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Texts From Last Night

Texts From Last Night: Remember that text you shouldn't have sent last night? We do.



(817): I think the God that I only...  

(817): I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.

2017-06-26 12:29:48
`
0 

(865): Wait, how many people just...  

(865): Wait, how many people just saw my dick?

2017-06-26 11:41:04
`
0 

(267): Wanna meet at the diner for...  

(267): Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.

2017-06-26 10:31:27
`
0 

(469): The last thing I remember...  

(469): The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.

2017-06-26 09:10:46
`
0 

(916): Fuck I think I want to but...  

(916): Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting. (714): just follow your vagina (916): Quote of the day.

2017-06-26 09:07:29
`
0 

(701): It was ok until his mom...  

(701): It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...

2017-06-26 08:34:06
`
0 

(970): You ask to touch his thighs...  

(970): You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more.

2017-06-26 06:39:07
`
0 

(415): I booty texted him nothing...  

(415): I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.

2017-06-26 03:52:45
`
0 

(847): Well I didn't spend $7...  

(847): Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick.

2017-06-26 02:22:25
`
0 

(415): he kissed both of us...  

(415): he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed.

2017-06-26 02:01:44
`
0 

(551): You're the only person...  

(551): You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis.

2017-06-26 01:52:18
`
0 

(414): So I fucked a guy with his...  

(414): So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list.

2017-06-26 01:26:01
`
0 

(302): leads to pukin, then cryin,...  

(302): leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3.

2017-06-25 13:25:14
`
2 

(617): Also my roomate used some...  

(617): Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade.

2017-06-25 12:50:32
`
1 

(631): I 100% barfed while...  

(631): I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow.

2017-06-25 12:09:06
`
2 

(406): You carved your initals...  

(406): You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.

2017-06-25 12:03:38
`
4 

(970): You can tell by the way he...  

(970): You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues.

2017-06-25 09:18:33
`
0 

(619): If not, I can murder my...  

(619): If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives.

2017-06-25 08:30:37
`
0 

(603): It smells like grilled...  

(603): It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration.

2017-06-25 06:37:44
`
1 

(631): You texted him 17 times....  

(631): You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.

2017-06-25 04:04:32
`
0 

(347): Usually it's tequila,...  

(347): Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil.

2017-06-25 03:44:06
`
1 

(978): So many people have told me...  

(978): So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable.

2017-06-25 02:56:24
`
0 

(817): Oh god theyre drunkenly...  

(817): Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on.

2017-06-25 01:59:47
`
0 

(551): His parents then knew me as...  

(551): His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch.

2017-06-25 01:20:31
`
0 

(770): I think my FWB just broke...  

(770): I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that.

2017-06-24 13:28:31
`
2 

(704): Do you think if I had a...  

(704): Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?

2017-06-24 12:51:40
`
2 

(850): I met my future wife last...  

(850): I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.

2017-06-24 11:59:32
`
1 

(519): So now I'm just going...  

(519): So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult.

2017-06-24 09:47:56
`
0 

(551): I still judge her for...  

(551): I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt.

2017-06-24 07:59:31
`
1 

(937): At one point of the night i...  

(937): At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.

2017-06-24 06:33:33
`
0 

(701): I went from swearing off of...  

(701): I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.

2017-06-24 06:29:10
`
1 

(508): My boobs smell like weed...  

(508): My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.

2017-06-24 05:50:11
`
0 

(918): you never keep up with...  

(918): you never keep up with shots anymore (405): I'm trying to be more responsible these days (918): you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot.

2017-06-24 05:36:35
`
3 

(330): Fortunatly we found him, he...  

(330): Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.

2017-06-24 04:38:29
`
0 

(202): You just wait. When you see...  

(202): You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.

2017-06-24 03:07:04
`
1 

(814): I am attempting to break...  

(814): I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.

2017-06-24 01:41:15
`
0 

(831): Talked a police officer...  

(831): Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.

2017-06-23 13:18:30
`
3 

(702): Pooled our money and rented...  

(702): Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.

2017-06-23 13:17:32
`
4 

(613): I remember walking into a...  

(613): I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving.

2017-06-23 12:43:58
`
4 

(301): We found him sitting in the...  

(301): We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.

2017-06-23 12:43:56
`
2 

(503): we're so committed to being...  

(503): we're so committed to being not committed.

2017-06-23 11:42:01
`
2 

(817): Failing this, see a doctor...  

(817): Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.

2017-06-23 10:50:54
`
0 

(406): why is there a shopping...  

(406): why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?

2017-06-23 10:35:46
`
1 

(320): Hold on I'll be right...  

(320): Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.

2017-06-23 08:27:28
`
0 

(262): If you sleep with him I...  

(262): If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork. (1-262): Prepare the pitchfork.

2017-06-23 07:59:34
`
1 

(650): Explain to me again why...  

(650): Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?

2017-06-23 07:51:39
`
2 

(978): You took one look at him...  

(978): You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.

2017-06-23 02:09:29
`
1 

(775): So you can text and rub it...  

(775): So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo. (775): I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.

2017-06-23 01:38:09
`
0 

(704): For future reference, when...  

(704): For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.

2017-06-22 13:30:39
`
6 

(281): Two of my dealers just made...  

(281): Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?

2017-06-22 13:23:07
`
5 

(716): i can believe you didnt get...  

(716): i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him (516): all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN.

2017-06-22 13:19:46
`
6 

(608): you made it your goal to...  

(608): you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you.

2017-06-22 12:02:25
`
4 

(607): It's 6am and I had to...  

(607): It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.

2017-06-22 11:32:12
`
2 

(719): It took me an hour to walk...  

(719): It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?

2017-06-22 11:29:51
`
3 

(847): It all started with a game...  

(847): It all started with a game of naked twister.

2017-06-22 10:59:46
`
5 

(605): I wish I could be the kind...  

(605): I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...

2017-06-22 10:45:33
`
2 

(416): how am i in montreal? thats...  

(416): how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.

2017-06-22 07:59:20
`
3 

(256): I'll keep supplying...  

(256): I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.

2017-06-22 06:32:22
`
5 

(816): Today's hangover is...  

(816): Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.

2017-06-22 05:28:15
`
5 

(920): He walked into the bar with...  

(920): He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple.

2017-06-22 04:07:51
`
3 

(315): I brought her cheeseburgers...  

(315): I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.

2017-06-21 11:05:04
`
5 

(619): I feel like people expect...  

(619): I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.

2017-06-21 10:57:40
`
9 

(719): Guys are like someone...  

(719): Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.

2017-06-21 10:37:55
`
2 

(706): Good new is, my parents are...  

(706): Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.

2017-06-21 09:59:07
`
4 

(501): They cut me off when I...  

(501): They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.

2017-06-21 08:35:12
`
11 

(604): I thought the first time I...  

(604): I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...

2017-06-21 08:18:42
`
4 

(701): Did you get your nipples...  

(701): Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...

2017-06-21 06:01:50
`
5 

(707): all im saying is 27 is too...  

(707): all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit (720): screw you you golddigging beer snob.

2017-06-21 05:33:41
`
6 

(416): I just destroyed that poor...  

(416): I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.

2017-06-21 03:29:46
`
3 

(601): Hey, is this going to be a...  

(601): Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.

2017-06-21 03:16:52
`
3 

(406): I made out with a 40 year...  

(406): I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.

2017-06-21 02:27:28
`
12 

(902): what happened to you last...  

(902): what happened to you last night? (1-902): I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me.

2017-06-21 01:04:11
`
2 

(044): i accidentally gave my...  

(044): i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.

2017-06-20 11:51:49
`
7 

(773): We power houred with shots...  

(773): We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.

2017-06-20 11:01:41
`
7 

(414): Howd it go? (1-414): Well...  

(414): Howd it go? (1-414): Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.

2017-06-20 10:53:18
`
6 

(530): I doubt the gods of funday...  

(530): I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.

2017-06-20 08:21:01
`
14 

(570): She flashed us last time...  

(570): She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.

2017-06-20 08:12:12
`
12 

(269): I just borrowed porn from...  

(269): I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.

2017-06-20 06:54:23
`
4 

(319): Update: tequila girl had...  

(319): Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants.

2017-06-20 05:16:13
`
9 

(812): If I could I'd...  

(812): If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.

2017-06-20 04:34:10
`
16 

(812): I'm making a will, in...  

(812): I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.

2017-06-20 03:41:55
`
6 

(319): I just threw up into a baby...  

(319): I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.

2017-06-20 03:06:48
`
6 

(504): I need to stop waking up...  

(504): I need to stop waking up with no pants on. (1-504): what happened this time (504): I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room.

2017-06-20 01:51:05
`
8 

(765): On today's episode of...  

(765): On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.

2017-06-20 01:07:28
`
8 

(630): Well, the night started out...  

(630): Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.

2017-06-19 13:48:12
`
11 

(516): I sent her a video on...  

(516): I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".

2017-06-19 12:43:54
`
11 

(615): I woke up only wearing a...  

(615): I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter.

2017-06-19 11:10:17
`
7 

(860): so the casino kicked my ass...  

(860): so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright.

2017-06-19 08:23:14
`
8 

(432): Currently sifting through...  

(432): Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...

2017-06-19 08:21:55
`
8 

(620): yeah the cops just showed...  

(620): yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.

2017-06-19 08:16:28
`
11 

(801): Ryan. I woke up. At the...  

(801): Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone (385): At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside??? (801): In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.

2017-06-19 08:12:21
`
8 

(765): I want you to know I am at...  

(765): I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this (260): You're my fucking hero.

2017-06-19 04:49:13
`
11 

(570): I miss my bedroom and my...  

(570): I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins.

2017-06-19 03:31:54
`
14 

(720): I just asked my mom if I...  

(720): I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.

2017-06-19 02:55:13
`
16 

(331): The cat was building a...  

(331): The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.

2017-06-19 02:35:35
`
12 

(586): im in DESPERATE NEED OF A...  

(586): im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I'M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS.

2017-06-19 01:25:02
`
6 

(254): I think people are...  

(254): I think people are normalizing furries.

2017-06-18 13:48:11
`
9 

(512): If I make it through this...  

(512): If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.

2017-06-18 13:03:24
`
9 

(216): SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS...  

(216): SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX. (330): YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR.

2017-06-18 12:49:24
`
15 

(+44): Found her grinding on my...  

(+44): Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!

2017-06-18 12:10:09
`
15 




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