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Texts From Last Night

Texts From Last Night: Remember that text you shouldn't have sent last night? We do.



(727): Apparently I handcuffed...  

(727): Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...

2017-10-20 11:02:02
`
0 

(352): I was eating pickles...  

(352): I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?

2017-10-20 10:12:02
`
0 

(801): just because i'm not a...  

(801): just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life. (801): which is fantastic by the way.

2017-10-20 10:02:02
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0 

(360): No, no... It was great. I...  

(360): No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst.

2017-10-20 09:12:02
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0 

(570): I walked outside and found...  

(570): I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.

2017-10-20 09:02:02
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0 

(563): Don't do him, he's...  

(563): Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!

2017-10-20 08:22:02
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0 

(415): yea so the plan to relive...  

(415): yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line.

2017-10-20 08:12:02
`
0 

(978): Socially acceptable to...  

(978): Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.

2017-10-20 08:02:02
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0 

(716): YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR...  

(716): YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA.

2017-10-20 07:02:02
`
0 

(401): Now I'm honestly...  

(401): Now I'm honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity.

2017-10-20 06:22:03
`
0 

(828): On the way to have sex with...  

(828): On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low.

2017-10-20 06:12:02
`
0 

(310): i just found a lighter in...  

(310): i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...

2017-10-20 06:02:02
`
0 

(925): I promised her I would shit...  

(925): I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.

2017-10-19 11:02:02
`
0 

(250): He invites me over for to...  

(250): He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday.

2017-10-19 10:22:02
`
0 

(931): you tried to drunkinly do...  

(931): you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen.

2017-10-19 10:12:02
`
0 

(708): You would be successful and...  

(708): You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now.

2017-10-19 10:02:03
`
1 

(561): I'm drunk and he's...  

(561): I'm drunk and he's still weird.

2017-10-19 09:12:02
`
0 

(434): I just talked to him. no...  

(434): I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha.

2017-10-19 09:02:02
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0 

(336): The lady at the front desk...  

(336): The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.

2017-10-19 08:22:02
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0 

(817): So I heard her yell at him...  

(817): So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.

2017-10-19 08:12:02
`
0 

(941): I'm hammerd and his...  

(941): I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck.

2017-10-19 08:02:02
`
0 

(603): ya I went to the grocery ...  

(603): ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms.

2017-10-19 07:12:02
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0 

(305): listen. i haven't...  

(305): listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.

2017-10-19 07:02:02
`
0 

(978): I had a dream involving the...  

(978): I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again.

2017-10-19 06:02:02
`
1 

(210): Why are you drunk at the...  

(210): Why are you drunk at the library? (1-210): Why not?

2017-10-18 11:02:02
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0 

(709): She's walking down the...  

(709): She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.

2017-10-18 10:12:02
`
0 

(206): Apparently I was so drunk...  

(206): Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.

2017-10-18 10:02:02
`
0 

(909): Don't fucking talk to...  

(909): Don't fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don't fuck shitty guys.

2017-10-18 09:22:02
`
4 

(843): its hard to say precisely...  

(843): its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain.

2017-10-18 09:12:02
`
0 

(812): Why does my nose taste...  

(812): Why does my nose taste spicy? (1-812): How do you know what your nose tastes like?

2017-10-18 09:02:02
`
1 

(709): A stripper set a mans ass...  

(709): A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.

2017-10-18 08:12:02
`
0 

(203): Stumbled out of my bed this...  

(203): Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.

2017-10-18 08:02:02
`
0 

(919): I just made the most...  

(919): I just made the most "single life" Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.

2017-10-18 07:12:02
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0 

(780): All I want to do is lay in...  

(780): All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs.

2017-10-18 07:02:02
`
0 

(613): Like I just wanted some...  

(613): Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.

2017-10-18 06:02:03
`
0 

(951): Everything is fine,...  

(951): Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*.

2017-10-18 05:02:02
`
1 

(724): It was a bad idea to take...  

(724): It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow.

2017-10-17 11:02:02
`
1 

(806): The last time I saw you,...  

(806): The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.

2017-10-17 10:02:02
`
0 

(219): I would go disguised as...  

(219): I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.

2017-10-17 09:32:02
`
1 

(303): HE LIVES IN ANOTHER...  

(303): HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE (303): actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win.

2017-10-17 09:22:02
`
1 

(310): I'm SO high. And there...  

(310): I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car.

2017-10-17 09:12:02
`
0 

(212): hooked up with him and then...  

(212): hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...

2017-10-17 09:02:02
`
0 

(847): Somehow, you looked so...  

(847): Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.

2017-10-17 07:02:03
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2 

(908): The drive thru lady at...  

(908): The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.

2017-10-17 06:32:02
`
1 

(859): Now just crop his dad out...  

(859): Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.

2017-10-17 06:22:02
`
3 

(480): Can I get my morals...  

(480): Can I get my morals surgically removed?

2017-10-17 06:12:02
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2 

(818): Ughh I think I'll just...  

(818): Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.

2017-10-17 06:02:02
`
1 

(225): I legitimately thought he...  

(225): I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.

2017-10-17 05:02:02
`
2 

(720): I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY...  

(720): I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN.

2017-10-16 11:12:02
`
2 

(812): He passed out before we...  

(812): He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.

2017-10-16 11:02:02
`
1 

(301): Taking out my recycling and...  

(301): Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.

2017-10-16 10:22:02
`
1 

(702): I cannot belive our party...  

(702): I cannot belive our party caught on fire.

2017-10-16 10:12:02
`
0 

(760): do you think mom is upset...  

(760): do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?

2017-10-16 10:02:02
`
1 

(941): Me and some guy are crying...  

(941): Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.

2017-10-16 09:12:02
`
0 

(817): i was too drunk before they...  

(817): i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.

2017-10-16 09:02:02
`
1 

(401): he came over last night and...  

(401): he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful.

2017-10-16 08:02:02
`
1 

(925): VIVE LA RESISTANCE (510):...  

(925): VIVE LA RESISTANCE (510): Oh god, what now?

2017-10-16 07:12:02
`
4 

(443): Thanks for wearing matching...  

(443): Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident.

2017-10-16 07:02:02
`
1 

(330): Listen all we did was not...  

(330): Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren't each other's type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months. (330): Idk how it devolved into us fucking.

2017-10-16 06:02:02
`
1 

(413): Its weird to introduce me...  

(413): Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?

2017-10-16 05:02:02
`
0 

(734): she kind of stumbled up and...  

(734): she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything.

2017-10-15 11:02:02
`
5 

(401): Eaten today: granola bar,...  

(401): Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.

2017-10-15 10:12:02
`
2 

(773): I just walked into my...  

(773): I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".

2017-10-15 10:02:02
`
6 

(313): so after 3 days of looking...  

(313): so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage.

2017-10-15 09:12:02
`
2 

(630): Well the hawks lost... so,...  

(630): Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.

2017-10-15 09:02:02
`
1 

(401): Ugh. My life is a never...  

(401): Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.

2017-10-15 08:02:02
`
3 

(503): i puked in a jesus candle...  

(503): i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night.

2017-10-15 07:22:02
`
2 

(484): All i remember is looking...  

(484): All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty. (914): That may have had to do with you chugging it.

2017-10-15 07:12:02
`
4 

(613): Oh god it's open bar.  

(613): Oh god it's open bar.

2017-10-15 07:02:02
`
6 

(301): He said we were going to...  

(301): He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are.

2017-10-15 06:22:02
`
1 

(207): We dont have cups... so...  

(207): We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies.

2017-10-15 06:12:02
`
1 

(973): Having to do the walk of...  

(973): Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove.

2017-10-15 06:02:02
`
4 

(248): He said we had an hour long...  

(248): He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.

2017-10-15 00:52:02
`
5 

(316): They just made me take...  

(316): They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo (316): Mind. Blown.

2017-10-14 11:02:02
`
6 

(858): death bed. (661): death...  

(858): death bed. (661): death patio (858): stfu you slept on the patio!?!

2017-10-14 10:02:02
`
11 

(212): Fuck it, I work hard. I...  

(212): Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys.

2017-10-14 09:22:02
`
15 

(207): I was writing...  

(207): I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.

2017-10-14 09:12:01
`
6 

(314): That's why my boobs are...  

(314): That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.

2017-10-14 09:02:02
`
3 

(+61): You got naked in his car?...  

(+61): You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......

2017-10-14 08:12:01
`
8 

(630): just blew him in the...  

(630): just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame.

2017-10-14 08:02:02
`
15 

(850): Freshly fucked must agree...  

(850): Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon.

2017-10-14 07:02:02
`
5 

(317): Yeah it got awkward when...  

(317): Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.

2017-10-14 06:12:02
`
5 

(469): Fun. You missed it. Michael...  

(469): Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.

2017-10-14 06:02:02
`
4 

(765): I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT...  

(765): I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS.

2017-10-14 05:12:02
`
8 

(404): That guy I hooked up with...  

(404): That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.

2017-10-14 05:02:02
`
5 

(703): why the hell did we go to a...  

(703): why the hell did we go to a rave last night? (571): we didn't? (703): definitely went to a bar with strobe lights (571): JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.

2017-10-13 11:02:03
`
8 

(501): I am such a fucking...  

(501): I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.

2017-10-13 10:12:03
`
10 

(940): Date with Air Force guy was...  

(940): Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.

2017-10-13 10:02:02
`
6 

(520): He sent me a website link...  

(520): He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don't think he understands how Social Media works.

2017-10-13 09:32:02
`
8 

(610): You said "I feel like...  

(610): You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.

2017-10-13 09:22:02
`
4 

(505): You were throwing up into a...  

(505): You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.

2017-10-13 09:12:02
`
11 

(215): I just had to explain my...  

(215): I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3.

2017-10-13 09:02:02
`
10 

(703): He said 'I really...  

(703): He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?

2017-10-13 08:12:02
`
6 

(703): someone at the bars was...  

(703): someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate? (804): go meet him and give him your number.

2017-10-13 08:02:02
`
5 

(216): In case you were wondering...  

(216): In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

2017-10-13 07:12:02
`
8 

(907): The best part about theater...  

(907): The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.

2017-10-13 07:02:02
`
12 

(513): How have you been? I...  

(513): How have you been? I haven't talked to you since you dyed your pubes.

2017-10-13 06:02:02
`
5 

(541): my nurturing instincts told...  

(541): my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off.

2017-10-12 11:02:02
`
7 

(402): I'm texting you know...  

(402): I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.

2017-10-12 10:12:02
`
13 

(570): I don't even think NICOLE...  

(570): I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night... (1-570): your aware she lit herself on fire, right?

2017-10-12 10:02:02
`
12 




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