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Texts From Last Night

Texts From Last Night: Remember that text you shouldn't have sent last night? We do.



(860): It's days like today...  

(860): It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.

2017-04-29 01:49:01
`
0 

(617): Conversations really do...  

(617): Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.

2017-04-28 11:40:55
`
1 

(425): Never in my life have I...  

(425): Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.

2017-04-28 08:05:42
`
0 

(989): I got really stoned and got...  

(989): I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?

2017-04-28 06:17:08
`
0 

(254): It's not my fault,...  

(254): It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.

2017-04-28 05:29:01
`
2 

(405): I might be drinking a...  

(405): I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me. (580): It would have only made it one day at my place.

2017-04-28 04:21:49
`
0 

(212): He put his SoundCloud on...  

(212): He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.

2017-04-28 02:55:10
`
0 

(620): YOu just turned down my...  

(620): YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!

2017-04-28 02:04:57
`
0 

(727): We are literally scheduling...  

(727): We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is.

2017-04-28 01:40:18
`
0 

(518): Pretty sure if we keep...  

(518): Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato.

2017-04-27 06:58:40
`
0 

(630): He tried to brush a hair...  

(630): He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.

2017-04-27 06:10:32
`
2 

(304): If you binge watch Bill Nye...  

(304): If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single.

2017-04-27 05:40:35
`
4 

(631): We had sex to Hey Arnold,...  

(631): We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.

2017-04-27 05:05:17
`
0 

(203): If walking through the...  

(203): If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it.

2017-04-27 03:39:40
`
0 

(214): I can't believe there...  

(214): I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.

2017-04-27 03:12:29
`
0 

(217): Of two things I'm...  

(217): Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home.

2017-04-27 03:09:08
`
0 

(+64): So you're not opposed...  

(+64): So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.

2017-04-26 09:57:48
`
0 

(862): Hope you are okay. You...  

(862): Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!".

2017-04-26 05:51:09
`
1 

(214): Holding your hair back...  

(214): Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.

2017-04-26 04:15:22
`
1 

(703): You know that voice that...  

(703): You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.

2017-04-26 03:27:44
`
0 

(516): I'm disgusted with...  

(516): I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole.

2017-04-26 03:26:40
`
0 

(609): Only thing that feels right...  

(609): Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position.

2017-04-26 02:25:47
`
0 

(518): I'm determining which...  

(518): I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .

2017-04-26 01:08:35
`
0 

(603): I've given up on the...  

(603): I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.

2017-04-25 13:49:15
`
2 

(347): I'd say I was is in...  

(347): I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.

2017-04-25 13:38:20
`
2 

(206): the best part is that i get...  

(206): the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass.

2017-04-25 10:39:05
`
0 

(775): yknow last night was...  

(775): yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.

2017-04-25 10:05:05
`
0 

(206): Fucked him in a graveyard....  

(206): Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.

2017-04-25 06:46:39
`
0 

(570): Why does my car smell like...  

(570): Why does my car smell like burnt toast? (1-570): I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...

2017-04-25 04:38:23
`
0 

(401): I swear to god he thought...  

(401): I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.

2017-04-25 02:28:56
`
0 

(802): When you trip so hard that...  

(802): When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.

2017-04-24 08:36:10
`
1 

(317): I complemented his smile,...  

(317): I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?

2017-04-24 08:16:29
`
0 

(077): I can't believe the...  

(077): I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night.

2017-04-24 07:13:37
`
0 

(919): Came home to butt plugs and...  

(919): Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF (1-919): Spring cleaning.

2017-04-24 06:47:35
`
0 

(045): Walking actually physically...  

(045): Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.

2017-04-24 06:13:49
`
0 

(813): He's perfect in every...  

(813): He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?

2017-04-23 13:20:41
`
6 

(585): I gave her two orgasms and...  

(585): I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper.

2017-04-23 11:28:53
`
8 

(330): I'm having shoppers...  

(330): I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo.

2017-04-23 10:17:07
`
5 

(541): If you're not my...  

(541): If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.

2017-04-23 10:11:49
`
4 

(551): I hate who I am...  

(551): I hate who I am becoming (267): I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well.

2017-04-23 06:56:31
`
1 

(404): MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I...  

(404): MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER.

2017-04-23 01:13:37
`
0 

(832): You're like the Miss...  

(832): You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.

2017-04-22 12:36:17
`
9 

(630): I have an empty apartment,...  

(630): I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.

2017-04-22 11:52:58
`
9 

(618): well, unfortunately the rug...  

(618): well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship.

2017-04-22 04:22:03
`
8 

(256): I have tasted many bathrooms  

(256): I have tasted many bathrooms.

2017-04-22 04:14:20
`
3 

(208): He asked if I was alright....  

(208): He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now.".

2017-04-22 02:34:24
`
6 

(870): I loaned him a tie and then...  

(870): I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.

2017-04-22 02:20:22
`
2 

(646): he had DANDRUFF in his...  

(646): he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.

2017-04-21 13:39:15
`
5 

(912): Worst wingman u don't...  

(912): Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness.

2017-04-21 11:28:57
`
3 

(310): I'm sorry I tried to...  

(310): I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.

2017-04-21 07:06:53
`
4 

(512): Thanks for letting me cross...  

(512): Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list.

2017-04-21 06:16:02
`
4 

(518): What did we do last night...  

(518): What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?

2017-04-21 05:33:45
`
12 

(732): I force fed him french...  

(732): I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi's are … it's safe to say he's not texting me for a second date.

2017-04-21 04:40:30
`
2 

(609): I felt like I crashed a...  

(609): I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.

2017-04-21 03:34:21
`
1 

(585): There's hope in those...  

(585): There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.

2017-04-21 03:12:28
`
1 

(408): I woke up next to a box of...  

(408): I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic.

2017-04-20 13:54:43
`
8 

(701): I just feel like if we...  

(701): I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship.

2017-04-20 12:24:15
`
2 

(916): Let's just say that I...  

(916): Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!

2017-04-20 10:39:09
`
6 

(403): So I almost broadcasted the...  

(403): So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast.

2017-04-20 10:17:13
`
2 

(304): You spilt a drink on my...  

(304): You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly.

2017-04-20 10:13:55
`
4 

(413): He's at Disney with 4...  

(413): He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??

2017-04-20 06:56:18
`
2 

(306): Just a little. Like do I...  

(306): Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you".

2017-04-20 03:29:47
`
4 

(252): I feel like a weird modern...  

(252): I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.

2017-04-19 12:16:42
`
6 

(551): You're about to have a...  

(551): You're about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?

2017-04-19 12:14:34
`
5 

(240): Nothing says happy Monday...  

(240): Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.

2017-04-19 10:43:16
`
5 

(253): I thought we agreed to no...  

(253): I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...

2017-04-19 05:33:42
`
7 

(61): My god imagine how much cum...  

(61): My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf.

2017-04-19 03:12:23
`
8 

(510): I found a used condom in my...  

(510): I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.

2017-04-19 02:59:31
`
6 

(508): So you think Jesus would be...  

(508): So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?

2017-04-18 06:08:25
`
19 

(805): Someone called asking about...  

(805): Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.

2017-04-18 04:48:01
`
13 

(423): Nothing says "Jesus...  

(423): Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.

2017-04-18 04:04:28
`
7 

(660): I masterbated to his...  

(660): I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?

2017-04-18 02:47:06
`
16 

(651): I am officially in a love...  

(651): I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush.

2017-04-18 01:05:11
`
31 

(+44): She was hammered and showed...  

(+44): She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother" (+44): On a side note apparently my brother is gay.

2017-04-17 12:45:06
`
7 

(415): Imagine how different my...  

(415): Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.

2017-04-17 10:48:48
`
9 

(623): You threw up at the outdoor...  

(623): You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.

2017-04-17 09:50:14
`
16 

(603): Every Easter every single...  

(603): Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up.

2017-04-17 05:07:29
`
27 

(419): So this is how i'm...  

(419): So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.

2017-04-17 03:47:17
`
7 

(801): Threesomes are not as fun...  

(801): Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.

2017-04-17 01:53:17
`
9 

(847): If y'all wanna know how...  

(847): If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳.

2017-04-17 01:15:14
`
13 

(254): Would it be weird if i sent...  

(254): Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?

2017-04-16 12:13:20
`
14 

(641): I think drunk me is trying...  

(641): I think drunk me is trying to kill me.

2017-04-16 08:49:24
`
7 

(312): The Easter sex puns were...  

(312): The Easter sex puns were too abundant.

2017-04-16 08:33:07
`
15 

(936): To be fair, this is a...  

(936): To be fair, this is a idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.

2017-04-16 08:16:40
`
9 

(631): I will be DAMNED if anyone...  

(631): I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.

2017-04-16 01:02:08
`
5 

(402): I smoked too much. I'm...  

(402): I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me.

2017-04-15 13:19:41
`
17 

(403): Because I chose to live...  

(403): Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.

2017-04-15 09:42:29
`
14 

(551): my morning attempts to try...  

(551): my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house.

2017-04-15 09:38:11
`
10 

(412): Btw. I have a sinus...  

(412): Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.

2017-04-15 07:23:27
`
10 

(502): Man, I'm real high and...  

(502): Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.

2017-04-15 04:56:54
`
17 

(206): Hey know anyone who wants...  

(206): Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?

2017-04-15 01:28:50
`
17 

(708): Here's a concept...  

(708): Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid.

2017-04-14 13:51:24
`
35 

(816): The highlight of my night...  

(816): The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage.

2017-04-14 09:56:41
`
21 

(301): He poured champagne on my...  

(301): He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.

2017-04-14 09:08:44
`
25 

(212): If that guy asks u bout me,...  

(212): If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up.

2017-04-14 07:08:16
`
19 

(607): Update: pile o Coke party...  

(607): Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n.

2017-04-14 05:58:50
`
36 

(248): I need to stop adding...  

(248): I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn. (248): ..... starting now.

2017-04-14 05:01:09
`
28 

(212): Why are my jeans soaking...  

(212): Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine?? (347): Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid.

2017-04-14 04:05:38
`
28 

(510): Are you drunk...  

(510): Are you drunk already? (415): Not already - at LAST.

2017-04-13 13:20:41
`
35 

(705): Question: have you ever...  

(705): Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...

2017-04-13 11:51:44
`
28 




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