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Texts From Last Night

Texts From Last Night: Remember that text you shouldn't have sent last night? We do.



(484): whatever, tonight I'll be...  

(484): whatever, tonight I'll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good.

what do you think?

2018-11-19 04:12:02



(206): Where do you think your...  

(206): Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?

what do you think?

2018-11-19 04:02:02



(978): you said, "I wonder...  

(978): you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.

what do you think?

2018-11-18 11:02:01



(215): My professor is wearing...  

(215): My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think.

what do you think?

2018-11-18 10:02:01



(778): He stopped mid sex to say...  

(778): He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me. (604): That is not what no strings attached sex is about.

what do you think?

2018-11-18 09:12:01



(614): ATTENTION: just found out...  

(614): ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.

what do you think?

2018-11-18 09:02:01



(727): SOOOOOO I just attempted to...  

(727): SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard.

what do you think?

2018-11-18 08:22:01



(928): Probably not. Getting...  

(928): Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.

what do you think?

2018-11-18 08:12:01



(732): I'm the one who said we...  

(732): I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.

what do you think?

2018-11-18 08:02:02



(281): There is no rule that you...  

(281): There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.

what do you think?

2018-11-18 07:02:02



(405): I can't go to Fassler...  

(405): I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom.

what do you think?

2018-11-18 06:12:02



(519): I accidentally just texted...  

(519): I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...

what do you think?

2018-11-18 06:02:02



(407): You are now at the point...  

(407): You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are.

what do you think?

2018-11-18 05:02:01



(860): MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES...  

(860): MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA.

what do you think?

2018-11-18 04:02:02



(865): And ANOTHER guy that I once...  

(865): And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!

what do you think?

2018-11-17 10:02:01



(661): We should get drunk in...  

(661): We should get drunk in walmart (1-661): when? (661): 20 minutes ago.

what do you think?

2018-11-17 09:12:01



(803): She looked like a cross...  

(803): She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.

what do you think?

2018-11-17 09:02:01



(848): You cannot ask her to...  

(848): You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.

what do you think?

2018-11-17 08:22:01



(917): You asked me if I ever met...  

(917): You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.

what do you think?

2018-11-17 08:12:02



(928): Last time I went to...  

(928): Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment. (1-928): DO IT!

what do you think?

2018-11-17 08:02:02



(650): In my defense, the second...  

(650): In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.

what do you think?

2018-11-17 06:12:02



(928): I would have wore underwear...  

(928): I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning.

what do you think?

2018-11-17 06:02:01



(217): My ex is stopping by while...  

(217): My ex is stopping by while he's working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.

what do you think?

2018-11-17 05:12:02



(231): Found out that I went to...  

(231): Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no.

what do you think?

2018-11-17 05:02:01



(693): I think I kinda scared him...  

(693): I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.

what do you think?

2018-11-17 04:12:01



(203): Ever been to a strip club...  

(203): Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.

what do you think?

2018-11-17 04:02:01



(301): Apparently last night I was...  

(301): Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.

what do you think?

2018-11-16 10:02:01



(724): yeah. i tried to refuse to...  

(724): yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly.

what do you think?

2018-11-16 09:02:01



(661): Remind me to never do...  

(661): Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action.

what do you think?

2018-11-16 08:32:02



(319): A lady played my boobs as...  

(319): A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.

what do you think?

2018-11-16 08:22:02



(630): we decided to take the...  

(630): we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..

what do you think?

2018-11-16 08:12:01



(+44): The only words I could make...  

(+44): The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".

what do you think?

2018-11-16 08:02:01



(786): I wiped my ass with a...  

(786): I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience.

what do you think?

2018-11-16 07:02:01



(604): See I just want a dick that...  

(604): See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?

what do you think?

2018-11-16 06:32:01



(303): Apparently the girl he...  

(303): Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it.

what do you think?

2018-11-16 06:22:02



(503): the girls would appreciate...  

(503): the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.

what do you think?

2018-11-16 06:12:02



(613): My ultimate hope is that...  

(613): My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.

what do you think?

2018-11-16 06:02:01



(509): Booze, boobs, blunts and...  

(509): Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.

what do you think?

2018-11-16 05:02:01



(585): If it makes you feel better...  

(585): If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining.

what do you think?

2018-11-15 09:32:02



(+27): Dear in laws. I am not...  

(+27): Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.

what do you think?

2018-11-15 09:22:02



(612): Going to jail. Warrant. Be...  

(612): Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.

what do you think?

2018-11-15 09:12:01



(862): What doesn't this kid...  

(862): What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?

what do you think?

2018-11-15 09:02:01



(870): I can handle him. I'm...  

(870): I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.

what do you think?

2018-11-15 08:02:02



(609): I wish drug dealers had...  

(609): I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays.

what do you think?

2018-11-15 07:22:02



(765): I'm praying to the gods...  

(765): I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you.

what do you think?

2018-11-15 07:12:01



(360): you should come have a...  

(360): you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your

what do you think?

2018-11-15 07:02:01



(304): I was stuffing my face...  

(304): I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.

what do you think?

2018-11-15 06:12:01



(850): I don't want to just...  

(850): I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers (815): It's not?

what do you think?

2018-11-15 06:02:01



(919): Never underestimate the...  

(919): Never underestimate the power of titties.

what do you think?

2018-11-15 05:02:01



(847): Im sober enough to...  

(847): Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious.

what do you think?

2018-11-15 04:02:01



(607): I just had to ask my drug...  

(607): I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low? (1-607): We've done worse things.

what do you think?

2018-11-14 10:02:01



(412): Im about to get an...  

(412): Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.

what do you think?

2018-11-14 09:02:01



(931): How many gummy vitamins can...  

(931): How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die.

what do you think?

2018-11-14 08:22:01



(701): We're like a married...  

(701): We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.

what do you think?

2018-11-14 08:12:02



(863): You know, I'm starting...  

(863): You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.

what do you think?

2018-11-14 08:02:02



(262): I am become drunk,...  

(262): I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds.

what do you think?

2018-11-14 07:22:01



(419): Dude, the worst part is I...  

(419): Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.

what do you think?

2018-11-14 07:12:01



(513): I probably should have told...  

(513): I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear.

what do you think?

2018-11-14 07:02:01



(765): Watching porn.....Adele is...  

(765): Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.

what do you think?

2018-11-14 06:02:01



(312): He just told me I was...  

(312): He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.

what do you think?

2018-11-14 05:12:01



(415): don't take this the...  

(415): don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.

what do you think?

2018-11-14 05:02:02



(778): I woke up with a jacket; in...  

(778): I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions.

what do you think?

2018-11-14 04:02:01



(541): Showed up to pick her up in...  

(541): Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea.

what do you think?

2018-11-13 09:32:01



(562): I currently don't...  

(562): I currently don't understand fingers.

what do you think?

2018-11-13 09:22:02



(434): I told him I lived in the...  

(434): I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!".

what do you think?

2018-11-13 09:12:02



(913): Ok. After that I think...  

(913): Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.

what do you think?

2018-11-13 09:02:02



(315): Access to a Target is...  

(315): Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.

what do you think?

2018-11-13 08:02:02



(937): He is saved in her phone as...  

(937): He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.

what do you think?

2018-11-13 07:12:01



(319): FYI brushing your teeth...  

(319): FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before.

what do you think?

2018-11-13 07:02:01



(702): Last night I had a dream...  

(702): Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.

what do you think?

2018-11-13 06:02:02



(727): The best part of being a...  

(727): The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.

what do you think?

2018-11-13 05:12:01



(651): She has a girlfriend too.....  

(651): She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.

what do you think?

2018-11-13 05:02:01



(+44): I'm lazy so obviously...  

(+44): I'm lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position.

what do you think?

2018-11-13 04:12:01



(618): He was a Cher impersonator....  

(618): He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens.

what do you think?

2018-11-13 04:02:02



(206): I am cleaning melted cheese...  

(206): I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me.

what do you think?

2018-11-12 09:12:01



(716): If I ever say "I'm...  

(716): If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.

what do you think?

2018-11-12 09:02:01



(402): if being 21 means slamming...  

(402): if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP.

what do you think?

2018-11-12 08:02:02



(253): I have a whole new respect...  

(253): I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.

what do you think?

2018-11-12 07:02:02



(480): I'm sittin in my...  

(480): I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.

what do you think?

2018-11-12 06:22:02



(608): I only live four blocks...  

(608): I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.

what do you think?

2018-11-12 06:12:01



(650): You went into the bathroom,...  

(650): You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out.

what do you think?

2018-11-12 06:02:02



(303): she told him my safe word....  

(303): she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him.

what do you think?

2018-11-12 05:22:01



(502): We've been taking...  

(502): We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.

what do you think?

2018-11-12 05:12:01



(508): there is such a gross...  

(508): there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.

what do you think?

2018-11-12 05:02:01



(410): Oh btw, ur tongue should...  

(410): Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good.

what do you think?

2018-11-12 04:12:01



(505): Side note: I apologize for...  

(505): Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.

what do you think?

2018-11-12 04:02:01



(519): He put on star wars porn, i...  

(519): He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn.

what do you think?

2018-11-11 10:02:01



(+44): i found a picture from last...  

(+44): i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain? (1+44): I was hoping you could tell me..

what do you think?

2018-11-11 09:12:01



(302): you're not celebrating...  

(302): you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.

what do you think?

2018-11-11 09:02:02



(706): let me just take this time...  

(706): let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.

what do you think?

2018-11-11 08:12:01



(508): Never joke about your...  

(508): Never joke about your clitoris.

what do you think?

2018-11-11 08:02:01



(919): Just deepthroated a hot...  

(919): Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you.

what do you think?

2018-11-11 07:02:02



(703): just saw two mice fucking...  

(703): just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live.

what do you think?

2018-11-11 06:02:01



(813): He stole one of my good...  

(813): He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.

what do you think?

2018-11-11 05:22:02



(614): You threw a beachball full...  

(614): You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran.

what do you think?

2018-11-11 05:12:02



(871): Woke up with a girls naked...  

(871): Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.

what do you think?

2018-11-11 05:02:02



(828): Two questions: is there...  

(828): Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.

what do you think?

2018-11-11 04:12:01



(609): No my problem is I'm...  

(609): No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.

what do you think?

2018-11-11 04:02:01



(709): It wasn't until after...  

(709): It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.

what do you think?

2018-11-10 09:12:01



(814): How'd things go with that...  

(814): How'd things go with that guy last night? (1-814): He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.

what do you think?

2018-11-10 09:02:02






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