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Texts From Last Night

Texts From Last Night: Remember that text you shouldn't have sent last night? We do.



(512): I want to ride his face...  

(512): I want to ride his face like a jet ski.

2017-03-23 12:50:27
`
2 

(814): I mean it's up to you...  

(814): I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in. (1-814): Fair enough.

2017-03-23 11:55:14
`
0 

(440): My ass is in a myriad of...  

(440): My ass is in a myriad of pain right now (440): Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea.

2017-03-23 10:19:21
`
0 

(+44): He offered me free drinks...  

(+44): He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.

2017-03-23 09:57:52
`
0 

(+44): His condition for us having...  

(+44): His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems.

2017-03-23 08:04:41
`
0 

(+44): Wait an hour then go and...  

(+44): Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?

2017-03-23 05:14:04
`
0 

(361): I'd have to have a...  

(361): I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me".

2017-03-23 05:13:54
`
0 

(850): His dick is pure magic...  

(850): His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises.

2017-03-23 03:06:48
`
0 

(832): I'm going to talk him...  

(832): I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.

2017-03-22 10:55:30
`
0 

(740): Is it immoral to trade sex...  

(740): Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?

2017-03-22 10:44:30
`
0 

(+61): It says something about our...  

(+61): It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now.

2017-03-22 10:11:39
`
1 

(61): he was wearing a widestriped...  

(61): he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him.

2017-03-22 09:45:39
`
0 

(+61): Ethically, this is the...  

(+61): Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...

2017-03-22 07:01:33
`
0 

(651): Ok well my life just seems...  

(651): Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex.

2017-03-22 06:23:34
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0 

(612): Things he has managed to...  

(612): Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick. (314): Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so co

2017-03-22 04:53:37
`
1 

(626): Uhmmmm is there really any...  

(626): Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂.

2017-03-21 13:54:31
`
4 

(503): I got a lap dance last...  

(503): I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.

2017-03-21 13:22:04
`
2 

(651): He and his ex stood there...  

(651): He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties.

2017-03-21 12:45:13
`
1 

(808): He licked the buffalo sauce...  

(808): He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.

2017-03-21 07:41:05
`
0 

(+61): Like he was trying to be...  

(+61): Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left.

2017-03-21 06:56:22
`
0 

(+61): I had cheese pancakes which...  

(+61): I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck.

2017-03-21 04:12:06
`
0 

(727): Whose panties are you...  

(727): Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?

2017-03-21 04:05:32
`
3 

(304): We didn't have a place...  

(304): We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.

2017-03-21 02:34:26
`
0 

(508): You're the air beneath...  

(508): You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee.

2017-03-20 13:28:32
`
2 

(+61): Far be it from me to tell...  

(+61): Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there.

2017-03-20 10:26:55
`
1 

(+61): He was like the most...  

(+61): He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step.

2017-03-20 09:14:15
`
0 

(515): I got St Patrick's Day...  

(515): I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night.

2017-03-20 08:49:19
`
1 

(702): the most terrified I've...  

(702): the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless.

2017-03-20 08:01:23
`
0 

(540): There was one thing about...  

(540): There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower.

2017-03-20 05:59:54
`
0 

(+61): Secrets from the porn...  

(+61): Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT.

2017-03-20 04:42:44
`
0 

(512): Calm down I'm not...  

(512): Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender.

2017-03-20 02:27:59
`
0 

(480): She's not answering my...  

(480): She's not answering my calls (610): Well it sounds like you really fucked up (480): WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES.

2017-03-19 12:20:06
`
6 

(610): Is it sacrilegious to take...  

(610): Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?

2017-03-19 10:14:04
`
1 

(812): We always have to do...  

(812): We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.

2017-03-19 08:47:08
`
4 

(901): I got arrested in a...  

(901): I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie.

2017-03-19 06:02:45
`
0 

(603): WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN...  

(603): WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??

2017-03-19 05:10:54
`
0 

(613): whatcha doing? (1-613):...  

(613): whatcha doing? (1-613): lying in bed pretending to be a slug.

2017-03-19 01:27:08
`
0 

(207): Gary just stuck his dick in...  

(207): Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up.

2017-03-18 13:44:44
`
5 

(603): The cat ate a weed mint....  

(603): The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill.

2017-03-18 10:32:28
`
1 

(312): Remember that St....  

(312): Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀.

2017-03-18 10:20:24
`
1 

(801): Hungover on St....  

(801): Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.

2017-03-18 09:43:33
`
1 

(248): I'm over here trying to...  

(248): I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child.

2017-03-18 08:19:48
`
0 

(713): MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH...  

(713): MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.

2017-03-18 07:17:54
`
0 

(864): I'm officially...  

(864): I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.

2017-03-18 03:27:41
`
0 

(913): I woke up at 2 AM to find...  

(913): I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!

2017-03-18 01:51:10
`
0 

(425): He's very cute and has...  

(425): He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.

2017-03-17 12:24:17
`
3 

(703): I was randomly pulled aside...  

(703): I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.

2017-03-17 12:05:47
`
2 

(406): It's official cum is...  

(406): It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner.

2017-03-17 10:18:17
`
0 

(304): Should I wear my "kiss...  

(304): Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?

2017-03-17 07:34:14
`
0 

(425): I just my had my first cup...  

(425): I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.

2017-03-17 06:29:06
`
1 

(913): That's when I realized...  

(913): That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed.

2017-03-17 06:05:02
`
0 

(510): Had to lock my cat in the...  

(510): Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.

2017-03-17 04:26:22
`
3 

(989): Annoying and petty is the...  

(989): Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.

2017-03-17 01:49:04
`
0 

(541): If you wake up with half a...  

(541): If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.

2017-03-16 11:20:16
`
4 

(586): He looks like a Mormon from...  

(586): He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job.

2017-03-16 10:14:51
`
2 

(314): TELL HER ABOUT THE...  

(314): TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES.

2017-03-16 06:20:28
`
4 

(732): Did we just second hand...  

(732): Did we just second hand smoke crack?

2017-03-16 05:59:52
`
1 

(859): His acid is intense dude. I...  

(859): His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat.

2017-03-16 05:58:49
`
1 

(551): Probably going to live on...  

(551): Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots.

2017-03-16 05:24:54
`
1 

(626): It's the Ides of March,...  

(626): It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?

2017-03-16 05:03:11
`
0 

(210): what is considered shitting...  

(210): what is considered shitting yourself? (1-210): Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.

2017-03-16 03:39:33
`
0 

(724): And Mike keeps telling Will...  

(724): And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.

2017-03-15 12:52:40
`
2 

(774): Life should not be this...  

(774): Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.

2017-03-15 11:40:52
`
1 

(860): if you were broke and...  

(860): if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?

2017-03-15 11:29:01
`
1 

(540): You do realize he's...  

(540): You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?

2017-03-15 10:31:27
`
2 

(281): I don't care how hot...  

(281): I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.

2017-03-15 10:17:14
`
1 

(540): Maybe if I ever do become a...  

(540): Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.

2017-03-15 08:59:10
`
0 

(412): It's just not St....  

(412): It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.

2017-03-15 05:53:29
`
0 

(262): You were supposed to catch...  

(262): You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!

2017-03-15 05:12:50
`
2 

(701): "Are we not going to...  

(701): "Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?".

2017-03-14 13:43:49
`
1 

(406): All I want is dick and wine.  

(406): All I want is dick and wine.

2017-03-14 13:12:10
`
4 

(312): Philosophical question for...  

(312): Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?

2017-03-14 10:53:12
`
2 

(703): I accepted my type is not...  

(703): I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night.

2017-03-14 08:04:31
`
3 

(312): THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME...  

(312): THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL.

2017-03-14 06:26:58
`
2 

(701): I mean, it's a romantic...  

(701): I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one.

2017-03-14 04:45:58
`
3 

(315): Pretty sure we had a civil...  

(315): Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am. (1-315): That would explain the cannon.

2017-03-14 03:35:19
`
2 

(905): He told me that he wants to...  

(905): He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?

2017-03-13 11:41:57
`
10 

(502): i have too much dick at my...  

(502): i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid.

2017-03-13 10:56:23
`
3 

(818): I'm no doctor but I...  

(818): I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.

2017-03-13 09:55:38
`
3 

(585): You think your roommate is...  

(585): You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.

2017-03-13 09:51:27
`
0 

(740): I paper cut my nipple...  

(740): I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless.

2017-03-13 06:06:17
`
8 

(973): I just ate broccoli before...  

(973): I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?

2017-03-13 02:46:28
`
10 

(703): He put his number in my...  

(703): He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome.

2017-03-13 02:16:05
`
1 

(858): If I could steal your...  

(858): If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.

2017-03-13 01:45:42
`
0 

(551): you are the root of all my...  

(551): you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions.

2017-03-12 13:58:53
`
10 

(989): Can't. I'm doing...  

(989): Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.

2017-03-12 12:26:33
`
8 

(651): I like to send nudes ok? If...  

(651): I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok.

2017-03-12 11:30:09
`
4 

(705): I'm to childless and to...  

(705): I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky.

2017-03-12 10:59:53
`
13 

(585): She took me to ER. She says...  

(585): She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date. (585): gtg, the cops are here.

2017-03-12 07:43:11
`
2 

(801): Hey so I got my...  

(801): Hey so I got my period (1-801): Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months.

2017-03-12 07:01:24
`
9 

(419): I needed to pee, so I...  

(419): I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window.

2017-03-12 03:26:39
`
4 

(512): 75% of the time I swipe...  

(512): 75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.

2017-03-12 01:52:18
`
3 

(425): I'm still not sure how...  

(425): I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad.

2017-03-11 13:21:57
`
5 

(989): I've finally done it. I...  

(989): I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.

2017-03-11 13:10:48
`
12 

(616): Welp. It's confirmed....  

(616): Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.

2017-03-11 10:44:31
`
14 

(315): I did a trust fall off the...  

(315): I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.

2017-03-11 07:14:35
`
5 

(817): But seriously, I love...  

(817): But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.

2017-03-11 05:21:36
`
4 

(440): Your ex roommate is making...  

(440): Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny.

2017-03-11 02:47:09
`
8 

(403): I just got CPR certified,...  

(403): I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon.

2017-03-10 13:36:11
`
6 

(908): i spent my Thursday...  

(908): i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants.

2017-03-10 12:27:33
`
10 




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