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Texts From Last Night

Texts From Last Night: Remember that text you shouldn't have sent last night? We do.



(973): Yo i still have 5 hrs left...  

(973): Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk.

what do you think?

2018-05-25 10:27:32



(858): I hate her so much I want...  

(858): I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.

what do you think?

2018-05-25 10:11:01



(847): i told you i was taking the...  

(847): i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up.

what do you think?

2018-05-25 09:17:52



(+33): I literally forgot every...  

(+33): I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out "mange moi" so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.

what do you think?

2018-05-25 06:35:19



(351): I love you. You know I...  

(351): I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises.

what do you think?

2018-05-25 06:09:08



(805): Chick in the kitchen making...  

(805): Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?

what do you think?

2018-05-25 05:52:51



(609): I mean metaphorically....  

(609): I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.

what do you think?

2018-05-25 04:55:33



(215): I just heard a crying baby...  

(215): I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME.

what do you think?

2018-05-25 03:54:37



(607): we promised ourselves we...  

(607): we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.

what do you think?

2018-05-25 03:44:02



(208): I also guarantee you...  

(208): I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes.

what do you think?

2018-05-25 03:40:31



(304): Woke up in my boxers on a...  

(304): Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.

what do you think?

2018-05-25 02:42:10



(408): I realized today that the...  

(408): I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...

what do you think?

2018-05-25 01:22:38



(502): He's really cute...He...  

(502): He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...

what do you think?

2018-05-24 09:55:06



(703): as a self proclaimed hoe im...  

(703): as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them.

what do you think?

2018-05-24 09:30:49



(310): I was drunk in the shower...  

(310): I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death.

what do you think?

2018-05-24 09:20:04



(403): also, I think I lit my hair...  

(403): also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..

what do you think?

2018-05-24 09:02:34



(252): dude kate found out i...  

(252): dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do (919): so drinking tonight? (252): Be there in 15.

what do you think?

2018-05-24 08:54:25



(781): The list of people who...  

(781): The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did (617): So it was a successful night I take it?

what do you think?

2018-05-24 08:47:49



(250): Ugh. It's days like...  

(250): Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster.

what do you think?

2018-05-24 08:07:24



(443): Think of the things uve...  

(443): Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.

what do you think?

2018-05-24 07:58:55



(416): I told my mom that I was...  

(416): I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie".

what do you think?

2018-05-24 07:08:39



(602): The fact he has had a...  

(602): The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn't going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can't cheat on someone you love...

what do you think?

2018-05-24 07:08:39



(312): I sent my brother over to...  

(312): I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.

what do you think?

2018-05-24 06:26:26



(360): You came in yelling...  

(360): You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.

what do you think?

2018-05-24 04:20:44



(336): We had sex on a couch that...  

(336): We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.

what do you think?

2018-05-23 12:46:52



(403): I know this shouldnt be a...  

(403): I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do.

what do you think?

2018-05-23 10:35:06



(541): Watching Colbert Report and...  

(541): Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.

what do you think?

2018-05-23 10:19:50



(336): Had a one night stand and...  

(336): Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.

what do you think?

2018-05-23 10:01:16



(314): Can we start referring to...  

(314): Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?".

what do you think?

2018-05-23 08:41:12



(858): answer honestly do you...  

(858): answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????

what do you think?

2018-05-23 08:35:44



(303): I had to explain to an ER...  

(303): I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.

what do you think?

2018-05-23 08:23:42



(+44): Think i may just have...  

(+44): Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.

what do you think?

2018-05-23 07:40:21



(347): Its not that hard to...  

(347): Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head.

what do you think?

2018-05-23 04:47:02



(503): We were trying to organize...  

(503): We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.

what do you think?

2018-05-23 04:46:44



(226): I think he was trying to be...  

(226): I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..

what do you think?

2018-05-23 04:36:53



(336): I just ate part of my sock,...  

(336): I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.

what do you think?

2018-05-23 02:42:19



(802): I just puked in a chili's...  

(802): I just puked in a chili's bathroom... happy birthday to me.

what do you think?

2018-05-22 14:44:44



(307): we tried to make a drinking...  

(307): we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.

what do you think?

2018-05-22 14:15:26



(419): So today was the first day...  

(419): So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!

what do you think?

2018-05-22 13:53:44



(816): so he'll eat food out...  

(816): so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?

what do you think?

2018-05-22 11:31:22



(206): I didn't really...  

(206): I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.

what do you think?

2018-05-22 08:25:24



(347): If you can throw 105 mph...  

(347): If you can throw 105 mph it's mandatory that you're hung.

what do you think?

2018-05-22 07:58:36



(914): Oh man I missed being...  

(914): Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid's little league game.

what do you think?

2018-05-22 07:51:59



(763): Do you have any idea how...  

(763): Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type 'dog twerking' into google search? Because I don't think you do.

what do you think?

2018-05-22 07:25:43



(860): i think it's okay to see...  

(860): i think it's okay to see him. you just can't wind up with his penis in your mouth again.

what do you think?

2018-05-22 06:55:28



(720): I've never had to say...  

(720): I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before.

what do you think?

2018-05-22 06:41:19



(845): random boy in my bed. last...  

(845): random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.

what do you think?

2018-05-22 04:17:33



(425): Only I could dislocate my...  

(425): Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.

what do you think?

2018-05-22 01:25:56



(812): I just got out of the...  

(812): I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...

what do you think?

2018-05-21 13:13:09



(727): You proposed a left ass...  

(727): You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.

what do you think?

2018-05-21 11:23:32



(303): Well this guy just went...  

(303): Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.

what do you think?

2018-05-21 09:15:09



(606): I just peed on myself the...  

(606): I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.

what do you think?

2018-05-21 09:13:05



(217): you were so high you just...  

(217): you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring.

what do you think?

2018-05-21 07:18:56



(724): YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED...  

(724): YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT.

what do you think?

2018-05-21 07:05:44



(619): I cannot believe all 4 of...  

(619): I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..

what do you think?

2018-05-21 06:51:04



(337): In case you're...  

(337): In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.

what do you think?

2018-05-21 06:50:36



(814): YOU'RE NOT THE ONE...  

(814): YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!

what do you think?

2018-05-21 05:20:11



(330): Dude. why do I feel like I...  

(330): Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?

what do you think?

2018-05-21 04:16:31



(516): We will discuss everything...  

(516): We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.

what do you think?

2018-05-21 01:46:45



(310): Swear to god, somebody just...  

(310): Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.

what do you think?

2018-05-21 01:37:02



(207): my dad just liked my status...  

(207): my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain.

what do you think?

2018-05-20 12:49:43



(410): just had an allergic...  

(410): just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.

what do you think?

2018-05-20 10:28:25



(518): I lost my wallet so I paid...  

(518): I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.

what do you think?

2018-05-20 10:03:16



(719): Can't be considered a...  

(719): Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home.

what do you think?

2018-05-20 08:41:48



(203): I woke up next to my bosses...  

(203): I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.

what do you think?

2018-05-20 08:07:54



(813): You ran up a $300 bar bill...  

(813): You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.

what do you think?

2018-05-20 06:41:20



(815): Making friends with the guy...  

(815): Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.

what do you think?

2018-05-20 04:27:30



(+58): The only thing i ask you...  

(+58): The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.

what do you think?

2018-05-20 03:36:47



(561): I'm not spending 14...  

(561): I'm not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it's rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?

what do you think?

2018-05-20 03:23:24



(908): It does not feel like it...  

(908): It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body.

what do you think?

2018-05-20 03:10:12



(713): I had to take on your role...  

(713): I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.

what do you think?

2018-05-20 02:28:59



(706): He ate me out for an...  

(706): He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.

what do you think?

2018-05-20 01:37:03



(262): Your drunk self managed to...  

(262): Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed (630): Go me (262): I'm actually proud.

what do you think?

2018-05-19 12:20:02



(309): If he's dating my...  

(309): If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.

what do you think?

2018-05-19 11:59:38



(515): I passed out in my bed, but...  

(515): I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.

what do you think?

2018-05-19 11:55:06



(248): She said my penis was...  

(248): She said my penis was powerful and magnificent.

what do you think?

2018-05-19 10:31:26



(706): No one knows how to work...  

(706): No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can.

what do you think?

2018-05-19 09:32:44



(775): If this adventure is going...  

(775): If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.

what do you think?

2018-05-19 09:08:38



(540): Thus began an intricate...  

(540): Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos.

what do you think?

2018-05-19 08:41:38



(407): she just punched him in the...  

(407): she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO".

what do you think?

2018-05-19 05:06:25



(708): Nope. Im a prince of the...  

(708): Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding.

what do you think?

2018-05-19 04:13:24



(707): Day drunk. He was sitting...  

(707): Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha.

what do you think?

2018-05-19 03:08:02



(864): My ex just brought my...  

(864): My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.

what do you think?

2018-05-19 02:40:52



(925): FACT: You were laying down...  

(925): FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow.

what do you think?

2018-05-19 01:11:41



(303): I guess I was telling girls...  

(303): I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again.

what do you think?

2018-05-18 13:23:57



(810): You kept running around...  

(810): You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.

what do you think?

2018-05-18 13:16:32



(214): Bootycalls can't go...  

(214): Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law.

what do you think?

2018-05-18 09:21:47



(530): My professor just told my...  

(530): My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!

what do you think?

2018-05-18 07:11:24



(304): He's on the porch...  

(304): He's on the porch naked. Help.

what do you think?

2018-05-18 06:56:25



(770): I did crash a prom last...  

(770): I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun.

what do you think?

2018-05-18 05:01:07



(817): Then you fell out of your...  

(817): Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk.".

what do you think?

2018-05-18 04:59:14



(347): Foreign objects found in...  

(347): Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those).

what do you think?

2018-05-18 03:54:59



(912): So your telling me I can...  

(912): So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money.

what do you think?

2018-05-18 03:24:30



(830): Please don't give away...  

(830): Please don't give away my fajitas.

what do you think?

2018-05-18 03:11:21



(281): Just realized how behind i...  

(281): Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.

what do you think?

2018-05-18 03:06:51



(218): You know that episode of...  

(218): You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.

what do you think?

2018-05-17 14:49:14



(936): I have beer and butt...  

(936): I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait.

what do you think?

2018-05-17 12:48:35



(540): fyi my negative pregnancy...  

(540): fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.

what do you think?

2018-05-17 11:20:28



(+61): I'm assuming you were...  

(+61): I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.

what do you think?

2018-05-17 10:44:40



(614): The neighbors in the...  

(614): The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one.

what do you think?

2018-05-17 10:28:22






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