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Texts From Last Night

Texts From Last Night: Remember that text you shouldn't have sent last night? We do.



(541): He chose me to be his...  

(541): He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang.

2017-12-15 09:02:02
`
0 

(+44): Do not confuse my plans for...  

(+44): Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.

2017-12-15 07:42:02
`
0 

(206): We decorated the tree,...  

(206): We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.

2017-12-15 07:32:02
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0 

(785): Remind me to tell you about...  

(785): Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night. (1-785): I'll be glad to.

2017-12-15 07:22:01
`
0 

(303): Rebounding with her sister...  

(303): Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.

2017-12-15 07:12:01
`
0 

(479): Her cat was breathing in my...  

(479): Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.

2017-12-15 07:02:02
`
0 

(978): My roommate just yelled at...  

(978): My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.

2017-12-15 06:02:02
`
0 

(206): She moved all of her stuff...  

(206): She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn't flush. So yeah it went well.

2017-12-15 05:32:03
`
1 

(330): it's like the easy bake...  

(330): it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery.

2017-12-15 05:22:02
`
1 

(204): you kept shouting...  

(204): you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911.

2017-12-15 05:12:02
`
0 

(253): Wanna get drunk and play...  

(253): Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.

2017-12-15 05:02:02
`
0 

(402): Just paid for birth control...  

(402): Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?

2017-12-15 04:02:02
`
2 

(707): So my ex just asked for my...  

(707): So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome. (1-707): That's basically a green light to fuck his dad.

2017-12-14 09:42:02
`
0 

(603): The FEDEX guy just cock...  

(603): The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway.

2017-12-14 09:32:02
`
0 

(440): i'm eating chex mix in...  

(440): i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.

2017-12-14 09:22:02
`
0 

(845): Woman doing my Brazilian...  

(845): Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?

2017-12-14 09:12:02
`
0 

(907): I just found three upside...  

(907): I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights.

2017-12-14 09:02:02
`
0 

(928): They walked into the house...  

(928): They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...

2017-12-14 08:02:02
`
0 

(507): He was gone for 5 minutes,...  

(507): He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.

2017-12-14 07:12:02
`
0 

(704): Well I'm trying out this...  

(704): Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing" (1-704): That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.

2017-12-14 07:02:02
`
2 

(202): I have seen you puke and 5...  

(202): I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..

2017-12-14 06:12:02
`
0 

(323): Straight up last night my...  

(323): Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs.

2017-12-14 06:02:02
`
0 

(641): At one point she put on my...  

(641): At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.

2017-12-14 05:02:02
`
2 

(860): I just do things that...  

(860): I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.

2017-12-14 04:02:02
`
1 

(336): We moved the bed and she...  

(336): We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight".

2017-12-13 10:02:02
`
0 

(765): I just got wasted for...  

(765): I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.

2017-12-13 09:12:02
`
0 

(602): RUDE you're the one...  

(602): RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple... (480): IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY.

2017-12-13 09:02:02
`
0 

(636): When I get off work and...  

(636): When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.

2017-12-13 08:12:03
`
1 

(319): I apologize for there being...  

(319): I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.

2017-12-13 08:02:02
`
0 

(905): You tried to pick a fight...  

(905): You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats.

2017-12-13 07:12:02
`
0 

(620): Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND...  

(620): Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz.

2017-12-13 07:02:02
`
2 

(317): He literally ejaculated and...  

(317): He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber.

2017-12-13 06:12:02
`
0 

(260): They left a cherry picker...  

(260): They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?

2017-12-13 06:02:02
`
0 

(217): Wine. Check.\nDino chicken...  

(217): Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty.

2017-12-13 05:12:02
`
3 

(208): Is talking to an iron man...  

(208): Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?

2017-12-13 05:02:02
`
1 

(205): I taught three men with...  

(205): I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.

2017-12-13 04:02:02
`
1 

(910): i knew it was a party when...  

(910): i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups.

2017-12-12 10:02:02
`
1 

(248): I havent moved from the...  

(248): I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.

2017-12-12 09:02:02
`
1 

(708): At what point in a new...  

(708): At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.

2017-12-12 08:32:03
`
1 

(484): Stop recording sex noises...  

(484): Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral.

2017-12-12 08:22:02
`
1 

(816): Woke up with a pineapple...  

(816): Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??

2017-12-12 08:12:02
`
5 

(250): This night could easily...  

(250): This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.

2017-12-12 08:02:02
`
3 

(517): are you drinking...  

(517): are you drinking tonight? (616): I have an exam tomorrow (616): so yes.

2017-12-12 07:12:02
`
5 

(717): Thank you, my gorgeous...  

(717): Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3.

2017-12-12 07:02:02
`
1 

(315): OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did...  

(315): OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?

2017-12-12 06:02:02
`
1 

(405): I'm in the liquor store...  

(405): I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.

2017-12-12 05:02:02
`
6 

(636): It was the scariest thing...  

(636): It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...

2017-12-12 04:12:02
`
5 

(901): Tell him that his phone is...  

(901): Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.

2017-12-12 04:02:02
`
3 

(585): I'm only texting you...  

(585): I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.

2017-12-11 09:02:02
`
1 

(605): I must stop trying to make...  

(605): I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.

2017-12-11 08:02:02
`
3 

(519): Just reached for my phone...  

(519): Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.

2017-12-11 07:42:02
`
2 

(314): she went outside...danced,...  

(314): she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.

2017-12-11 07:32:01
`
1 

(606): hey man , the girl you...  

(606): hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....

2017-12-11 07:22:01
`
1 

(517): I think it might be the guy...  

(517): I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that.

2017-12-11 07:12:02
`
5 

(716): You have a penis. Therefore...  

(716): You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.

2017-12-11 07:02:01
`
1 

(310): I never thought I'd end...  

(310): I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder.

2017-12-11 06:02:02
`
1 

(503): I don't know if I'm...  

(503): I don't know if I'm nauseous or just disgusted with myself.

2017-12-11 05:22:03
`
4 

(775): And the last thing I...  

(775): And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out.

2017-12-11 05:12:02
`
1 

(+61): The walk of shame was so...  

(+61): The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.

2017-12-11 05:02:02
`
8 

(925): You whispered 'For...  

(925): You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.

2017-12-11 04:02:02
`
3 

(585): Little does she know that...  

(585): Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis.

2017-12-10 10:02:02
`
3 

(203): I feel like I should send...  

(203): I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.

2017-12-10 09:12:02
`
8 

(416): The next time you invite me...  

(416): The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.

2017-12-10 09:02:02
`
5 

(603): It was terrible. I am sore...  

(603): It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.

2017-12-10 08:02:02
`
5 

(860): You're sleeping on my...  

(860): You're sleeping on my couch so you're not making dick appointments tonight.

2017-12-10 07:12:02
`
3 

(502): We're starting to light...  

(502): We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.

2017-12-10 07:02:02
`
2 

(520): I turned on Elf, made...  

(520): I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.

2017-12-10 06:12:02
`
3 

(917): Greattt I just sexted my...  

(917): Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back.

2017-12-10 06:02:02
`
3 

(202): The box said 94%...  

(202): The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I'm not gonna use it right so let's adjust that to like a 70%.

2017-12-10 05:12:02
`
5 

(918): For someone I see at the...  

(918): For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.

2017-12-10 05:02:01
`
8 

(858): TURNS OUT they were both...  

(858): TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people.

2017-12-10 04:12:02
`
9 

(260): Oh BTW the next time I see...  

(260): Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.

2017-12-10 04:02:02
`
15 

(978): So our night ended with 6...  

(978): So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?

2017-12-09 10:02:02
`
6 

(830): I think I may have fully...  

(830): I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons (214): What (830): The only downside is I can't stop skipping.

2017-12-09 09:12:02
`
8 

(570): What do I have to do?!...  

(570): What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time (1-570): You are my new hero.

2017-12-09 09:02:02
`
6 

(363): We damn well better have a...  

(363): We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.

2017-12-09 08:12:02
`
9 

(802): I can't wait to see you...  

(802): I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.

2017-12-09 08:02:01
`
9 

(707): How's the date going?? Do...  

(707): How's the date going?? Do you think he's gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?

2017-12-09 07:12:02
`
1 

(620): Dude.. She just busted into...  

(620): Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!".

2017-12-09 07:02:02
`
7 

(254): I woke up at her place in a...  

(254): I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!

2017-12-09 06:02:02
`
7 

(309): Think I was still drunk...  

(309): Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin.

2017-12-09 05:12:02
`
8 

(303): i guess she just walked...  

(303): i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.

2017-12-09 05:02:02
`
14 

(716): Mom saw my dick pic over my...  

(716): Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.

2017-12-09 04:12:03
`
13 

(+44): I sprayed his whole room...  

(+44): I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.

2017-12-09 04:02:02
`
14 

(616): Hey does the gas gauge in...  

(616): Hey does the gas gauge in your car work? (1-616): Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?

2017-12-08 10:02:02
`
11 

(703): I was sprawled on his bed...  

(703): I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?

2017-12-08 09:12:02
`
11 

(208): She bruised my penis again....  

(208): She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.

2017-12-08 09:02:02
`
5 

(850): "Fwd: Nice to meet you last...  

(850): "Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.

2017-12-08 08:12:02
`
9 

(920): my goal is to never have a...  

(920): my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line.

2017-12-08 08:02:02
`
6 

(303): I told him he looked like...  

(303): I told him he looked like my uncle. (1-303): Why would you say that in a bathtub?

2017-12-08 07:12:02
`
4 

(859): She slapped a big dramatic...  

(859): She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.

2017-12-08 07:02:01
`
6 

(847): I haven't taken my socks...  

(847): I haven't taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.

2017-12-08 06:12:03
`
7 

(513): Is it weird that I have...  

(513): Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?

2017-12-08 06:02:02
`
8 

(360): We played 2 very...  

(360): We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.

2017-12-08 05:12:02
`
15 

(805): For real his Facebook page...  

(805): For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.

2017-12-08 05:02:01
`
12 

(507): Hey do you or anyone you...  

(507): Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops.

2017-12-08 04:02:02
`
7 

(850): You came in, yelled 'i...  

(850): You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor.

2017-12-07 09:02:02
`
9 

(402): sitting in the prison...  

(402): sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.

2017-12-07 08:22:02
`
9 

(210): he told me his feelings for...  

(210): he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?

2017-12-07 08:12:02
`
9 

(505): I made a bucket list last...  

(505): I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.

2017-12-07 08:02:02
`
8 




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