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Texts From Last Night

Texts From Last Night: Remember that text you shouldn't have sent last night? We do.



(536): Came out of blackout state...  

(536): Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing.

2017-08-17 02:13:14
`
0 

(484): I broke a rule (610): Which...  

(484): I broke a rule (610): Which One?! (484): The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times. (610): You're officially the worst brother ever.

2017-08-16 13:55:50
`
3 

(303): This is Ryan, Kristin's...  

(303): This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.

2017-08-16 13:28:21
`
3 

(626): I can't believe just...  

(626): I can't believe just smoked out of a pear (909): I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive.

2017-08-16 12:42:49
`
2 

(832): I'm not drinking for...  

(832): I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.

2017-08-16 11:47:25
`
3 

(719): Of course I fucked her, her...  

(719): Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids.

2017-08-16 11:35:24
`
2 

(203): DETAILS (201): long...  

(203): DETAILS (201): long story (203): just tell me the parts i wanna hear (201): weed, brooklyn, rough sex.

2017-08-16 09:12:54
`
4 

(509): Can I just go naked and...  

(509): Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?

2017-08-16 06:33:33
`
0 

(570): I tired using vodka to...  

(570): I tired using vodka to remove my makeup.

2017-08-16 05:38:09
`
0 

(732): You've discovered your...  

(732): You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina.

2017-08-16 05:25:08
`
2 

(360): Fuck you i've put so...  

(360): Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt.

2017-08-16 03:53:48
`
3 

(812): 90% sure the total babe...  

(812): 90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now. (765): Im so high.

2017-08-16 02:50:52
`
1 

(815): i sent him a picture of his...  

(815): i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.

2017-08-16 01:29:17
`
1 

(614): Why r u in my phone under...  

(614): Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?

2017-08-15 12:41:49
`
4 

(815): My roommate randomally...  

(815): My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.

2017-08-15 09:31:32
`
5 

(540): we had to follow your trail...  

(540): we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......

2017-08-15 09:11:53
`
3 

(402): Just sold our expired...  

(402): Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home.

2017-08-15 07:49:37
`
6 

(580): Do not buy a prego test at...  

(580): Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.

2017-08-15 07:49:33
`
4 

(310): Drunk me just want to text...  

(310): Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you.

2017-08-15 04:33:05
`
5 

(321): Its 7am I'm awake still...  

(321): Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???

2017-08-15 04:05:36
`
3 

(516): its like my accent is a...  

(516): its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.

2017-08-15 03:52:45
`
3 

(510): How are you and your...  

(510): How are you and your magical vagina doing today?

2017-08-15 02:56:25
`
4 

(281): If you think I'm not...  

(281): If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.

2017-08-15 02:15:16
`
2 

(206): Um that's okay I got up on...  

(206): Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can.

2017-08-15 01:43:32
`
2 

(203): I think everyone at the...  

(203): I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated (1-203): you mean still drunk (203): I've heard it both ways.

2017-08-15 01:18:17
`
2 

(712): Good news, finally found...  

(712): Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis.

2017-08-14 13:05:33
`
5 

(516): I'm gonna adopt her...  

(516): I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt.

2017-08-14 12:11:16
`
4 

(206): why do i have a pole dance...  

(206): why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?

2017-08-14 11:06:59
`
4 

(860): Is it bad that we left the...  

(860): Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.

2017-08-14 09:20:44
`
4 

(802): this is the fourth time...  

(802): this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?

2017-08-14 09:13:10
`
3 

(850): So after the absinthe...  

(850): So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......

2017-08-14 09:05:26
`
4 

(619): while on the topic of...  

(619): while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?

2017-08-14 07:59:22
`
6 

(646): The modern romantic,...  

(646): The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow.

2017-08-14 07:04:43
`
2 

(708): If she didn't block me,...  

(708): If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.

2017-08-14 06:04:57
`
2 

(303): I'm sitting here with a...  

(303): I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first.

2017-08-14 04:41:31
`
3 

(404): You made noises. And kept...  

(404): You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.

2017-08-14 03:21:17
`
3 

(480): Your not drunk until you...  

(480): Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.

2017-08-14 01:39:59
`
1 

(804): I just opened a beer with a...  

(804): I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!

2017-08-13 13:42:30
`
7 

(803): I had to carry him up the...  

(803): I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard. (843): Why is this not a picture message?

2017-08-13 12:37:24
`
6 

(305): By talk things out did he...  

(305): By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?

2017-08-13 12:17:46
`
6 

(937): Puked in the trash can....  

(937): Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking.

2017-08-13 08:47:06
`
4 

(978): You kept yelling stranger...  

(978): You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.

2017-08-13 08:04:41
`
6 

(519): Charging my vibrator at...  

(519): Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!

2017-08-13 06:38:53
`
3 

(307): Thanks for duct tapping my...  

(307): Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!

2017-08-13 06:09:33
`
3 

(256): There is a pool of ranch...  

(256): There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.

2017-08-13 05:59:58
`
2 

(708): you could be the only one...  

(708): you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises.

2017-08-13 05:32:41
`
1 

(262): i found 4 slices of pizza...  

(262): i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?

2017-08-13 04:43:45
`
2 

(940): After 2 minutes he came and...  

(940): After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.

2017-08-13 02:19:15
`
1 

(919): Just by hearing the girl...  

(919): Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night.

2017-08-13 02:17:02
`
2 

(732): Got a $290 noise violation...  

(732): Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am.

2017-08-12 13:15:27
`
13 

(407): Bro I just got a hand job...  

(407): Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea.

2017-08-12 12:32:55
`
11 

(+27): A stripper choked me last...  

(+27): A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.

2017-08-12 07:31:12
`
7 

(508): i told someone my fallback...  

(508): i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot.

2017-08-12 06:56:21
`
2 

(604): Umm... When he walked in I...  

(604): Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.

2017-08-12 06:36:46
`
2 

(727): :(. i have vodka in a...  

(727): :(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.

2017-08-12 06:30:16
`
2 

(201): Sorry about the confusion...  

(201): Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude.

2017-08-12 05:43:03
`
7 

(319): Remember when I convinced...  

(319): Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high.

2017-08-12 05:14:12
`
2 

(416): His name was Dragon. For...  

(416): His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.

2017-08-12 04:53:34
`
1 

(623): We need a rematch, I think...  

(623): We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.

2017-08-12 03:05:56
`
1 

(732): after last night, ive never...  

(732): after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.

2017-08-12 02:10:29
`
8 

(443): i do my most serious...  

(443): i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.

2017-08-12 01:18:26
`
4 

(603): my mom talks about my...  

(603): my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.

2017-08-11 13:45:49
`
6 

(908): I'm drinking on a Thursday...  

(908): I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can (1-908): Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk.

2017-08-11 12:50:34
`
8 

(315): Woah don't start going...  

(315): Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.

2017-08-11 12:05:48
`
11 

(303): Thank you for coming with...  

(303): Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.

2017-08-11 11:28:02
`
4 

(814): Pro tip: If you tell him...  

(814): Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.

2017-08-11 10:10:31
`
6 

(270): So I got cockblocked by our...  

(270): So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night.

2017-08-11 09:23:49
`
8 

(651): Make a note to pack...  

(651): Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage.

2017-08-11 07:53:53
`
6 

(510): All I remember is that I...  

(510): All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.

2017-08-11 05:58:53
`
9 

(201): on a scale of one to ten...  

(201): on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit.

2017-08-11 03:24:25
`
6 

(847): ...I just added shower...  

(847): ...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp.

2017-08-11 02:59:37
`
3 

(210): She is still out of it but...  

(210): She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices.

2017-08-11 01:33:43
`
6 

(757): Dude just walked up to me,...  

(757): Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.

2017-08-11 01:08:03
`
2 

(732): He just chose domino's...  

(732): He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

2017-08-10 09:04:19
`
3 

(319): I'm literally naked with a...  

(319): I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.

2017-08-10 07:27:51
`
6 

(772): at what point last night...  

(772): at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks? (1-772): around eleven.

2017-08-10 07:22:19
`
6 

(283): We were too tired to finish...  

(283): We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind.

2017-08-10 06:04:06
`
4 

(585): I was walking out of the...  

(585): I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose.

2017-08-10 06:01:44
`
3 

(905): She texted me this morning...  

(905): She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van. (1-905): So thats where i built my buckingham palace.

2017-08-10 05:52:12
`
3 

(954): I woke up this morning to...  

(954): I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her.

2017-08-10 05:20:42
`
1 

(863): not only was there glitter...  

(863): not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.

2017-08-10 05:13:58
`
8 

(650): I shouldn't have to...  

(650): I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.

2017-08-10 04:16:35
`
1 

(780): he made that chewbacca...  

(780): he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.

2017-08-10 03:38:36
`
3 

(616): But I thought it was so...  

(616): But I thought it was so funny last night (1-616): You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night.

2017-08-10 03:03:42
`
2 

(760): Was that you calling me at...  

(760): Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?

2017-08-10 01:07:21
`
6 

(208): I think I just found my...  

(208): I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.

2017-08-09 12:57:02
`
4 

(716): I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED...  

(716): I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.

2017-08-09 12:08:01
`
2 

(206): I like that you're more...  

(206): I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.

2017-08-09 11:31:06
`
7 

(860): It was a blast. I was going...  

(860): It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...

2017-08-09 10:27:07
`
5 

(540): IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I...  

(540): IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP.

2017-08-09 10:26:53
`
3 

(407): Sometimes self-care is...  

(407): Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.

2017-08-09 09:26:14
`
4 

(832): I just realized. I havent...  

(832): I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after.

2017-08-09 08:22:56
`
2 

(208): Apparently I'm some...  

(208): Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.

2017-08-09 07:36:33
`
2 

(423): he sent a dick pic to my...  

(423): he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.

2017-08-09 04:52:37
`
3 

(602): Your aunt just offered to...  

(602): Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?

2017-08-09 04:41:46
`
2 

(951): She passed out in my baby...  

(951): She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.

2017-08-09 04:11:10
`
8 

(413): would it be okay if I...  

(413): would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?

2017-08-09 03:18:54
`
0 

(248): I'm all about clean...  

(248): I'm all about clean living these days (1-248): You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody (1-248): ... after you woke up in your own urine.

2017-08-08 13:07:37
`
3 

(909): the fact that you beer...  

(909): the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe.

2017-08-08 11:27:49
`
7 

(610): Dude \nSo embarrassed...  

(610): Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me.

2017-08-08 10:46:42
`
0 




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