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The Onion - America's Finest News Source

The Onion, America's Finest News Source, is an award-winning publication covering world, national, and * local issues. It is updated daily online and distributed weekly in select American cities. A satirical newspaper featuring world, national and community news.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster  

GOLDEN, COâ€"Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked. “Wow, she’s got Joyce from work, Cheri, Dana from yoga, Carol, Carol’s new husbandâ€"that’s all of the A-listers, together under one roof,” said Dreeshen’s daughter Michelle, wonde...

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2016-04-15 12:25:18

Explosions: The Loud Killer  

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2016-04-15 04:22:03

Universe Feels Zero Connection To Guy Tripping On Mushrooms  

EUGENE, ORâ€"Noting that it had yet to experience any sort of oneness with the 22-year-old, the universe confirmed Friday that it felt absolutely zero connection to a local man currently tripping on hallucinogenic mushrooms. “As far as I can tell, all the boundaries between myself and this guy remain completely intact, so I certainly wouldn’t say that he and I have become one with each other at all,” said the collection of all space and matter, which added that, if anyth...

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2016-04-15 02:30:08

Tiger Population Increases For First Time In 100 Years  

The global wild tiger census has reached 3,890, the first increase in population in over 100 years and significantly higher than the last survey’s all-time low in 2010. What do you think?

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2016-04-15 02:12:37

A Look Back At The Career Of Kobe Bryant, The NBA’s All-Time Greatest Ego  

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2016-04-14 14:25:08

Bernie Sanders Asks Anyone Who’s Serious About Breaking Up Big Banks To Meet Him On Corner Of Canal And Bowery At Midnight  

NEW YORKâ€"Inviting all those truly committed to economic equality, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders announced during Thursday night’s Democratic debate that anyone who’s serious about breaking up big banks should meet him on the corner of Canal and Bowery at midnight. “Show up at the base of the Manhattan Bridge at exactly midnight tonight if you really want to break apart the financial institutions and hold Wall Street banks accountable,” said the Vermont s...

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2016-04-14 14:08:44

How To Talk To Your Teen About Depression  

Nearly one in five teens experiences depression, but parents can find it difficult to broach the subject. Here are The Onion’s tips for talking to your teen about depression:Begin your conversation with something as simple as an observation, such as “I’ve noticed you have everything a person needs to be happy.”Your teen will appreciate your honesty and transparency. Let them know you really can’t handle another stress like this on top of everything else.Whatever...

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2016-04-14 13:31:35

World’s Marine Life On Edge Now That SeaWorld Moving On From Orcas  

PACIFIC OCEANâ€"Following the theme park’s pledge to phase out exhibits featuring the whale species and discontinue breeding them in captivity altogether, the world’s marine life told sources Thursday they were completely on edge now that SeaWorld is moving on from orcas. “At first, I was happy to hear the news about the orcas, but then it dawned on me that SeaWorld would probably try to find a replacement and I just started to freak out,” said an anxious and visi...

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2016-04-14 11:10:24

Octopus Escapes New Zealand Aquarium  

Inky the Octopus is believed to have escaped the national aquarium of New Zealand by opening the lid of his tank, slithering across the floor, then squeezing through a 5-inch-wide drainage pipe and out to sea. What do you think?

what do you think?

2016-04-14 10:48:42

Zip Code Could Point To Life Expectancy  

A recent study investigated income and mortality rates and found a nearly 15-year difference in life expectancy between the wealthiest and poorest Americans, with the longevity of those in poverty strongly correlated to what zip code they lived in. What do you think?

what do you think?

2016-04-14 07:02:37

Hillary Clinton Clearly Tailoring Debate Answers To Unclaimed New York Superdelegate  

NEW YORKâ€"Repeatedly emphasizing how her proposed policies would benefit middle-aged fathers of three who work in the public sector, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton appeared to be tailoring each of her answers during Thursday night’s primary debate to a single unclaimed New York superdelegate, sources reported. “As your next president, I promise to make America work for all of usâ€"not just the billionaires, but also middle-class families working to pay...

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2016-04-14 06:14:16

Switzerland Passes U.N. Inspection After Erecting Fire Escape On Matterhorn  

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2016-04-14 06:12:49

Lakers Players Curious What It Must Be Like To Be Inspired By Kobe Bryant  

LOS ANGELESâ€"Amid a massive outpouring of acclaim from fans, fellow athletes, and media members ahead of his retirement, players on the Los Angeles Lakers admitted to reporters Thursday that they are kind of curious what it must be like to be inspired by Kobe Bryant. “I keep hearing all these players on other teams and athletes from other sports talk about how much they were motivated by Kobe’s work ethic and competitive drive, so I can’t help but wonder what that woul...

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2016-04-14 04:01:02

Passersby Stop To Stare At Man Leading Sad Life Through Open Apartment Window  

CINCINNATIâ€"Saying they could not stop staring despite the highly private nature of the scene that was unfolding, numerous passersby reportedly paused dead in their tracks Wednesday night upon catching sight of a man leading an incredibly sad life who was clearly visible through his unobstructed apartment window.Witnesses said they started gathering on the sidewalk outside his apartment building at approximately 6:30 p.m. after noticing that the lethargic, disheveled man, who appeared to ...

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2016-04-14 03:25:44

Jack Nicholson Wishes Girlfriend Old Enough To Have Seen Kobe In Heyday  

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2016-04-14 01:24:46

Man Ready To Believe Any Statistic About How Good Warriors Were This Season  

HAMPTON, VAâ€"Explaining that the team’s regular-season dominance made him unlikely to question any accomplishment attributed to them, local 29-year-old Jared Dwyer told reporters Thursday that he is ready to believe absolutely any statistic about how good the Golden State Warriors were this year. “At this point, you could tell me that the Warriors shot over 70 percent from three as a team, or that they outscored opponents in the second half by an average of 40 points, and Iâ...

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2016-04-14 01:23:37

Hotel Lobby Treated To Entirety Of Child’s Song Catalogue During Check-In Process  

FORT LAUDERDALE, FLâ€"According to guests lined up at the front desk and seated at the nearby hotel bar, the entire Marriott Courtyard lobby was treated to every song in 4-year-old Emma Freeland’s catalogue Wednesday while her parents checked into their room. “I thought she might just sing us ‘The Itsy-Bitsy Spider,’ but noâ€"she segued right into ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star,’ and then launched into an energetic choreographed rendition of â...

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2016-04-14 01:15:09

To Measure Distracted Driving  

New York police could soon be equipped with “Textalyzers,” devices that scan drivers’ phones to detect whether they were texting, and thus driving with distraction, in the moments leading up to an auto accident. What do you think?

what do you think?

2016-04-13 21:57:51

No One In Family Sure Who Trip To Arboretum Is Geared Toward  

SUMMIT, NJâ€"Filing uncertainly into the main hallway of the property’s welcome center, each member of the Robertson family privately admitted to reporters Saturday that they had no idea which of them their weekend trip to the arboretum was geared toward. “I’ve never had any real desire to visit this place, and I can’t imagine Dad wants to spend a whole Saturday looking at trees instead of spending his outdoors time in front of the grillâ€"maybe Jacob needs ...

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2016-04-13 12:49:33

ExxonMobil CEO Relieved It Finally Too Late To Do Anything About Climate Change  

IRVING, TXâ€"Saying the multinational oil and gas conglomerate had “really dodged a bullet,” ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson told reporters Wednesday how relieved he was now that it was finally too late to do anything about climate change.The 64-year-old petroleum executive, who acknowledged that throughout his career he had feared the public might take action to curb rising temperatures by imposing emissions restrictions or mandating a switch to alternative energy, said he was ju...

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2016-04-13 09:46:52

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office  

CHICAGOâ€"Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported. “He brought his family through in the middle of the afternoon, and, right in front of everyone, he said, ‘This is the desk where I work,’” communications manager Laura Dao said o...

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2016-04-13 09:31:19

Nate Silver Blinded By Gods For Seeking Forbidden Knowledge Of Future  

NEW YORKâ€"Enraged by his public pronouncements regarding that which is yet to be, the almighty gods on high are said to have blinded political statistician Nate Silver this week as punishment for seeking forbidden knowledge of the future. “Any mere mortal who dares trespass into the realm of the Fates by making grand prophecies or electoral projections shall suffer swift and holy wrath,” said Sophioxis, a representative for the all-knowing deities, who added that Silverâ€...

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2016-04-13 04:21:28

Breeze Plays Kick-Ass Riff On Wind Chimes  

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2016-04-13 01:38:08

Tips For Growing Your Own Vegetable Garden  

Before you start planting, make sure your local terrain is conducive to growing the kinds of vegetables you can stuff with cheese and deep-fry.After supplying your plants with soil and water, sprinkle a few gummy bears on top as a little treat.To prevent your plants from becoming waterlogged, be sure to regularly curse or otherwise offend the Mayan rain god Tohil.Earthworms are extremely beneficial for cultivating soil, and you can legally pay them next to nothing!Tomatoes can be vine-ripened f

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2016-04-13 01:30:28

Smokers Face Tougher Job Search  

A survey of San Francisco job applicants found that unemployed people who smoke have more difficulty getting hired and that employed smokers earn an average of $5 less per hour than their nonsmoking counterparts. What do you think?

what do you think?

2016-04-12 15:27:10

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life  

LITTLE ROCK, ARâ€"Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday. Witnesses told reporters that the brilliantly blue sky and mid-70s temperatures were, within a matter of moments, blotted out of Unger’s mind by persistent anxieties about the various decaying relationships in...

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2016-04-12 13:08:47

Pope Francis Worried About Job Security After Butting Heads With New God  

VATICAN CITYâ€"Expressing his frustration with ongoing tensions at work, Pope Francis admitted Tuesday that he had started worrying about his job security after repeatedly butting heads with the new God. “At first, I thought it was going to be a fairly smooth transition, but it turns out He and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things,” said the pope, adding that the difficult new omnipotent deity had been “riding [his] ass nonstop” on everything from the di...

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2016-04-12 12:27:31

‘Dog Whisperer’ Cleared Of Animal Cruelty Charges  

Cesar Milan of the popular show Dog Whisperer has been cleared of animal cruelty charges after a recent episode featured an agitated French bulldog biting a pig on the ear and drawing blood, an incident that investigators have concluded was handled with the proper veterinary care. What do you think?

what do you think?

2016-04-12 11:56:15

Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 12, 2016  

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2016-04-12 11:50:41

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws  

Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.PROCould help temper the country’s embarrassingly high voter turnout ratesLess time-consuming form of discrimination than literacy testNationwide surge in ID demand could create up to four new jobs at DMVGuarantees only those bearing the signet ring of the Knights ...

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2016-04-12 11:35:32

Nothing Doing Down Louisiana Way, Fly-Swattin’ Sources Report  

THE BAYOUâ€"Noting that just ’bout everybody was shut up indoors on account of the weather been sump’n awful, fly-swattin’ local sources done confirmed Tuesday dat nothing doing down Louisiana way. “There ain’t nothing fixin’ to go ova by here but the breeze,” said one down-home source, Jane Boudreaux, who told reporters her parish was moving near ’bout as fast as a crawfish in molasses these days. “Anyways, from here to down da r...

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2016-04-12 08:35:07

How The Candidates Are Luring Delegates  

Here’s how the presidential candidates are ramping up efforts to win over the crucial remaining unpledged party delegates.Ted Cruz: Offering delegates the exciting chance to get out of meeting with him personallyJohn Kasich: All-expenses-paid trip to Columbus Zoo and AquariumHillary Clinton: Those who pledge their vote will receive 10 extra minutes of outdoor timeDonald Trump: No greater motivation than supporting a candidate with such a clear and fruitful vision for the future of Americ...

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2016-04-11 21:28:27

New Altar Boy Clearly Not Ready For Spotlight Of 10 A.M. Sunday Mass  

COATESVILLE, PAâ€"Calling his bowing and candle-work “sloppy at best,” parishioners at Holy Family Church told reporters yesterday that new altar boy Christopher Mains, 11, was clearly not ready for the spotlight of the 10 a.m. Sunday Mass. “As soon as that kid got to the altar and barely even genuflected, I knew he was in way over his head. This is Sunday morning; you’ve got to be on your A-game,” said church attendee Betsy Pollana, noting that she might exp...

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2016-04-11 18:16:50

Jordan Spieth’s Family To Wait A Few Days Before Asking Him What The Fuck Happened  

DALLASâ€"Following the pro golfer’s historic collapse during the final holes of the Masters Tournament, Jordan Spieth’s family members confirmed Monday that they will probably wait a few days before asking him what the fuck happened. “It’s been a rough 24 hours for Jordan, so we’ll give him his space for a while before bringing up how badly he just shit the bed,” said Spieth’s mother, Christine, suggesting that the family’s Friday night...

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2016-04-11 17:40:58

Social Media Etiquette For New Parents  

Upon discovering you’re pregnant, it’s wise to keep the good news secret until week 12, when the risk of miscarriage has lowered and you’ve had a chance to loop in U.S. Census Director John H. Thompson.Caring for a newborn can be highly stressful, but ranting about it online isn’t the answer. Instead, vent these frustrations privately by unloading on your spouse.It’s unlikely your friends want to scroll through pictures of an umbilical cord stump on Facebook, ...

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2016-04-11 14:19:40

Senate Won’t Prevent Airlines From Shrinking Seats  

An amendment that would have required the FAA to maintain a minimum seat size on all airlines for the “safety, health, and comfort” of its passengers was voted against in the Senate 42-54. What do you think?

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2016-04-11 11:48:32

The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 11, 2016  

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2016-04-11 11:10:28

Springsteen Cancels NC Concert To Protest Anti-LGBT Law  

Bruce Springsteen canceled his tour date in North Carolina last night to protest the passage of the Public Facilities Privacy and Security Act, a law that restricts transgender citizens’ access to public restrooms. What do you think?

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2016-04-11 09:59:47

Elderly Man Who’s Outlived Wife By 8 Years Must Not Have Loved Her Very Much  

LAUREL, MDâ€"Noting that the 81-year-old is still in relatively good health to this day, sources reported Monday that elderly man Jonathan Eckman, who has outlived his wife by eight years now, must not have loved her very much. “If he didn’t die the day after his wife, or later that year on their wedding anniversary, then he probably didn’t really care about her at all,” said local acquaintance Dana Ridgely, who added that the least Eckman could have done if he, i...

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2016-04-11 06:30:16

Clinton Campaign Treasurer Crushed To Death After Stack Of Campaign Funds Topples Over  

NEW YORKâ€"Confirming the accident occurred while transferring a new load of cash into Hillary Clinton’s campaign finance warehouse, sources reported that Hillary for America treasurer Jose Villarreal was crushed to death Friday after a stack of campaign funds toppled over onto him. “We are deeply saddened to report that our friend and colleague Jose Villarreal was killed instantly this morning when one of our forklifts struck a 30-foot stack of contributions, knocking over se...

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2016-04-09 01:01:59

Jim Nantz Sitting In Corner Of Augusta Clubhouse Locker Room Watching Golfers Change  

AUGUSTA, GAâ€"Expressing their unease at the veteran sportscaster’s behavior as they prepared for the second round of the Masters, multiple golfers told reporters Friday that Jim Nantz has been sitting in the corner of the Augusta National clubhouse locker room and watching them change. “I was in the clubhouse this morning getting dressed, and Jim was just sitting there, not saying a word, with his eyes fixed on me the whole time,” said golfer Jason Day, adding that when...

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2016-04-08 12:47:13

Nation Finds Solace In Knowledge Candidates Taking Years Off Own Lives By Running For President  

WASHINGTONâ€"Saying the insight was their sole source of comfort in an otherwise frustrating election season, Americans across the country reported Friday they’re finding solace in the knowledge that the 2016 presidential candidates are taking years off of their lives by running for president. “This election cycle has been nearly unbearable, which is why I always try to pause and remind myself that every campaign stop, stump speech, and television appearance takes a huge toll ...

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2016-04-08 08:30:46

Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials  

WASHINGTONâ€"Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.Those who witnessed the awe-inspiring vision said they felt a warm, comforting presence wash over them as the clouds parted and the luminous form...

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2016-04-08 05:55:28

Dog Talent Agency Represents Famous Pets  

The Wall Street Journal recently interviewed The Dog Agency, a talent company that exclusively represents Instagram-famous dogs, often securing five-figure deals for advertisements to be posted through the pets’ profiles. What do you think?

what do you think?

2016-04-08 05:28:16

Tips For Maintaining Your Social Life As A New Parent  

Don’t feel tied to the house all day! Suggest outings your baby will enjoy and your single friends will grudgingly tolerate.Connect with other parents. They can relate to your struggles, give great advice, and won’t hold the fact that your child keeps biting their child against you.Invite neighbors over to your house rather than out to a restaurant so you can enjoy their company without the hassle of escaping the myriad obligations of parenthood.If you tip them a few extra bucks, ...

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2016-04-08 04:12:39

‘American Idol’ Ends 15-Year Run  

Thursday night saw American Idol’s series finale, a two-hour send-off to the show’s 15-year run that included performances from past winners before crowning Trent Harmon the final champion. What do you think?

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2016-04-08 02:36:46

Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric  

BETHPAGE, NYâ€"Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night. “Oh, Jesus, for a few seconds there I actually found myself agreeing on a deep, personal level with the things I was sayingâ€"what the hell was I thinking?” said the shaken GOP frontrunner, recalling with horror that, right in th...

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2016-04-07 20:15:30

The Pros And Cons Of Attending College  

A four-year degree can open doors to a bright future, though many people don’t think it will benefit their career path. Here are some pros and cons of attending college:PROSAble to engage with a diverse new group of people from all over southwestern OhioIdentity worth more on black market when paired with B.A.Basically no other way to join a cappella groupIntroduced to entire network of alums from which you might garner unpaid internshipDwindling number of places to march to “Pomp ...

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2016-04-07 16:17:07

Communists Seek Copyright For Red Star  

The Russian Communist Party has announced they will appeal to Prime Minister Medvedev for a copyright to be placed on their red star symbol in order to protect it from widespread use in branding and advertising. What do you think?

what do you think?

2016-04-07 15:52:13

Kasich Privately Worried He’ll Never Have Charisma Necessary To Incite Supporters To Violent Frenzy  

COLUMBUS, OHâ€"Expressing concern at the noticeable lack of intensity at his campaign events, Republican presidential candidate John Kasich confided to reporters Thursday that he’s worried he’ll never possess the charisma necessary to incite his supporters into a crazed, violent frenzy. “I know I’m good at discussing policy and laying out my vision for America, but if I’m being honest, I’m beginning to think I just might not have that kind of specia...

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2016-04-07 13:13:12

Vanilla Shortage Could Raise Ice Cream Prices  

Top vanilla producer Madagascar is experiencing a shortage of the plant due to rising global demand for natural flavorings, potentially leading to a spike in ice cream prices this summer. What do you think?

what do you think?

2016-04-07 11:47:34

Rangers Disgusted By Prince Fielder Leaving Chewed-Up Bats All Over Dugout  

ARLINGTON, TXâ€"Complaining that he should have dropped the habit a long time ago, members of the Texas Rangers admitted to reporters Thursday that they are constantly disgusted by first baseman Prince Fielder’s tendency to leave chewed-up baseball bats all over the dugout. “Prince is always taking other guys’ bats and gnawing on themâ€"it’s so gross,” said Rangers left fielder Ian Desmond, who added that he and other players will often reach for their...

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2016-04-07 11:45:20

Billionaire Reading Name In Panama Papers Totally Forgot He Even Had Funds In Seychelles  

NEW YORKâ€"Taken completely by surprise upon reading his own name in a newspaper article about the Panama Papers, billionaire Frederick Weldon revealed to reporters Thursday that he had completely forgotten he even had funds stashed in the Seychelles. “Oh, yeah, rightâ€"jeez, forgot about that,” said Weldon, who after thinking about it for several moments, began to recall having his attorney at one point set up a tax-free dummy corporation in the island nation off the coas...

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2016-04-07 09:59:47

Department Of Transportation Introduces Padded Bumper Lane For Intoxicated Drivers  

WASHINGTONâ€"In an effort to reduce motor vehicle injuries and fatalities stemming from drunk driving, officials at the Department of Transportation announced Wednesday the opening of new highway lanes lined with padded bumpers, which have been installed on interstates nationwide for use by intoxicated drivers. “It’s really quite simpleâ€"if you’re already behind the wheel and you feel like you’ve had too much to drink, simply veer into the special lane at t...

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2016-04-07 05:05:25

Introverts React More Negatively To Typos  

A study on personality and cognition found that introverted people noticed more typos and grammatical errors in someone’s writing and consequently assumed more negative opinions about the writer than extroverts did. What do you think?

what do you think?

2016-04-06 13:05:27

Struggling Nation Sends Middle Class To Go Live With Canadian Government For A While  

WASHINGTONâ€"Admitting that things have been difficult recently and that the country needed a little time to “sort some stuff out” on its own, President Barack Obama told America’s middle class Wednesday that he would be sending them to go live with the Canadian government for a while.The president stated that he and Congress had thought long and hard about the decision, and ultimately came to the conclusion that, given all the problems it was dealing with at the moment,...

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2016-04-06 08:47:17

Subway Manager Disgusted By Sight Of Cold Cut Combo Devouring Large Rat  

UNION CITY, NJâ€"Saying the disturbing incident made him sick to his stomach, Subway shift manager Dean Haney told reporters Wednesday he was completely disgusted after seeing a Cold Cut Combo devour a large rat in the alley behind the restaurant. “I went to take out the trash, and I saw this nasty-looking thing just feasting on a full-grown rat,” said Haney, estimating the size of the sandwich as “at least six inches,” and describing it as mangy, vicious, and dripp...

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2016-04-06 08:10:01

Versailles Building Luxury Hotel  

The palace of Versailles is outfitting three of its outbuildings with luxury guest rooms, a spa, and a high-end restaurant, though critics decry the project as the commoditization of a national treasure. What do you think?

what do you think?

2016-04-06 07:17:23

New Royal Caribbean Cruise Just 12-Day Buffet On Floor Of Empty Dockside Warehouse  

MIAMIâ€"Telling members of the media Wednesday that the all-inclusive package has already proven popular with American vacationers, Royal Caribbean International discussed the launch last month of its newest cruise, a 12-day-long continuous buffet set up on the bare concrete floor of an abandoned dockside warehouse. According to Royal Caribbean officials, the cruise’s passengers mill around in a dilapidated shipping building on a Fort Lauderdale wharf and eat from a 400-foot-long bu...

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2016-04-06 03:25:43

How Coastal Cities Are Preparing For Climate Change  

With experts predicting that the effects of global warming could be catastrophic in the next 50 years, here are some ways that coastal cities are addressing the challenges of rising sea levels:Bar Harbor, ME: Officials urging residents to stockpile vintage charm in case of emergencyManhattan, NY: Initiating 10-year plan to replace inhabited residences with vacant Emirati-owned condo developmentsNashville, TN: Making a concerted effort to keep their perimeter 435 miles from the nearest oceanBost

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2016-04-05 17:55:14

Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 5, 2016  

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2016-04-05 12:55:52

Depleted Bruegger’s Bagels Gift Card Living Out Quiet Retirement In Wallet’s Fourth Row  

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2016-04-05 09:23:41

You Don’t Get To Be As Old As I Am Without Knowing A Few Things About Basic Shapes And Colors  

I’ve seen it all in my time. Been a lot of places, done a lot of things. Had my share of scrapes here and there, too. Those experiences taught me so much more than I ever could have imagined and shaped me into who I am today, the kind of person who just knows right away what’s red, what’s orange, that circles are roundâ€"all that stuff. Yeah, you might say that where basic shapes and colors are concerned, I know a thing or two about a thing or two.Kinda comes with the ...

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2016-04-05 08:17:39

Mom Apologizing For Going Through Menopause  

LUTSEN, MNâ€"According to witnesses, local mother Deborah Miller, 49, apologized to her family profusely Monday for going through the natural biological process of menopause. “Gosh, I am so sorryâ€"I know it’s cold in here, but I’m having a hot flash,” said Miller as she cracked open a window in the den, fanned herself with a nearby magazine while her husband and two sons watched television, and repeatedly asked them for forgiveness for her ovaries ceasing to...

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2016-04-05 07:36:33

Tech Company Develops Chewable Coffee  

San Francisco tech company Nootrobox has developed a product called Go Cubes, a chewable tablet made of cold brew coffee containing 50 milligrams of caffeine. What do you think?

what do you think?

2016-04-05 06:17:02

Ancient Human Sacrifices Reinforced Hierarchy  

A new study looked at the social makeup of ancient societies and found that those with more stratified class systems participated most often in ritual human sacrifice, a practice that maintained an elite wealthy class by killing subordinates to appease the gods. What do you think?

what do you think?

2016-04-05 04:58:21

Tips For Male Bonding  

Show them you care. Always maintain steady, intimate eye contact while bumping chests.To get any new buddies up to speed, compile a PowerPoint presentation of consensus choices for famous actresses you and the guys would most like to have sex with.Take time out of each day to admire and appreciate each other’s workbench setup.Slap some steaks on the grill and see who wants theirs rarest in an elaborate game of chicken.Don’t be afraid to really open up and share your feelings about...

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2016-04-05 04:26:18

Man Prowling At Airport Gate Ready To Pounce Like Jungle Cat At First Sign Of Boarding  

SAN FRANCISCOâ€"Slinking stealthily as he scanned the departure desk for any sudden movement, local man Aaron Smith reportedly prowled San Francisco International Airport’s gate 33 Friday like a jungle cat ready to pounce at the first sign of a boarding announcement. Smith, whose pupils had fully dilated after witnessing the gate agent lean in toward her microphone, is said to have frozen in place, tightening the grip on his carry-on bag and tensing his entire body as if he were a j...

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2016-04-04 20:44:51

Frustrated UNC Student Too Busy Studying For Players’ Tests To Watch Title Game  

CHAPEL HILL, NCâ€"Lamenting that he won’t be able to watch the highly anticipated game with his friends, University of North Carolina junior Aaron Wright expressed his frustration Monday that he will be too busy studying for players’ tests to watch the Tar Heels play Villanova for the NCAA National Championship. “Man, I wish I could watch tonight, but there are four different exams I have to prepare for this week,” said Wright, adding that he will only be able to ...

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2016-04-04 14:24:07

God Admits He Way Less Strict With Last Few Billion Children  

THE HEAVENSâ€"Saying He was a very rigid and domineering Father in the years immediately following the Creation of Man, the Lord God Almighty admitted Monday He has been far less strict with His last few billion children. “I was kind of a stickler back then, to be honest, and I could be pretty harsh when I punished my children for doing something wrong or disobeying me,” said God, who remarked that He has mellowed out quite a bit over the millennia and that it has been a long t...

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2016-04-04 09:54:35

Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid  

ALMA, WIâ€"Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op. “As soon as Ted Cruz touched the cow, this yellow, lumpy fluid started oozing out of its udders,” said eyewitness Sarah Verdin, adding th...

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2016-04-04 08:50:11

Panama Papers Reveal Widespread Tax Evasion  

Over 11.5 million leaked files dubbed the “Panama Papers” reveal that the world’s wealthy elites are hiding money in offshore accounts to evade taxation, a leak that implicates the prime minister of Iceland, the president of Ukraine, and Vladimir Putin, among others. What do you think?

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2016-04-04 07:11:58

What You Need To Know About The Women’s Soccer Equal Pay Controversy  

Members of the U.S. women’s national soccer team recently filed a formal complaint accusing the U.S. Soccer Federation of gender-based wage discrimination. Here’s what you need to know.Q: Do players on the U.S. men’s and women’s national soccer teams earn the same amount?A: Women earn 42 percent more adoration and national pride than their male counterparts.Q: Why aren’t wages on the women’s team equal to those on the men’s team? A: The arbitrary...

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2016-04-04 07:08:40

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Special Afflecks’  

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2016-04-04 05:30:26

New Method Accurately Measures THC In Edibles  

Though the labeling on cannabis chocolates, gummies, and other edible items is currently inconsistent and unregulated, a new technique provides accurate measurements of the cannabis within these newly legal products. What do you think?

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2016-04-04 04:39:15

The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 4, 2016  

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2016-04-04 04:25:20

Report Finds Average American Wastes 77 Years Of Their Life Not Listening To Steve Winwood’s ‘The Finer Things’  

BOSTONâ€"According to a report released Monday by the sociology department at Tufts University, the average American completely wastes 77 years of his or her life not listening to the adult contemporary soft-rock classic “The Finer Things” by Steve Winwood. “Tragically, nine in 10 Americans will die having only heard the song’s beguiling synthesizer intro accompanied by Mr. Winwood’s silky-smooth yet slightly edged vocals for just the most minuscule fraction...

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2016-04-04 02:44:31

Failure To Get Into Private College To Be Most Financially Responsible Act Of 17-Year-Old’s Life  

COLORADO SPRINGS, COâ€"Saying the turn of events will greatly benefit the 17-year-old’s economic security, sources confirmed Friday that local high school senior Emily Harrison’s failure to get into the University of Southern California, a private academic institution, will be the single most financially responsible act of her entire life. According to reports, Harrison’s rejected application, which she spent weeks preparing in hopes of spending four years at her â€...

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2016-04-01 11:35:36

How A Contested Convention Would Work  

With the Republican Party potentially headed to its convention without a clear-cut presidential nominee, The Onion answers common questions about how a contested convention would work.Q: What is a contested convention?A: A way to ensure the voice of the people is heard and then checked for any obvious mistakes.Q: How does a contested convention come about?A: Simply too many wonderful nominees to choose from.Q: How is a nominee chosen in a contested convention?A: A candidate must secure a majori

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2016-04-01 03:55:07

Study: Arachnophobia Causes Spiders To Look Bigger  

It’s been found that the brains of those who suffer from arachnophobia could be perceiving the spiders as much larger than they actually are. What do you think?

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2016-04-01 03:49:43

‘The Time To Act Is Now,’ Says Yellowing Climate Change Report Sitting In University Archive  

BERKELEY, CAâ€"Warning society that it has reached a crucial tipping point from which it may never be able to recover, a brittle, yellowing report sitting in the archives of the University of California’s Bioscience & Natural Resources Library reportedly urged readers Friday that “the time to act against climate change is right now.” “Any further delay in ending the international community’s reliance on fossil fuels and reversing global carbon emission t...

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2016-04-01 02:19:18

Oculus Rift Released  

The Oculus Rift, the most advanced virtual reality headset to date, launched this week and costs approximately $1,600 when paired with a capable PC and accompanying games, though all units are currently on back order. What do you think?

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2016-04-01 01:29:53

Entire Shopping Mall Quietly Dreading Whatever Empty Stage Set Up For  

ROCHESTER, NYâ€"Rushing to finish their errands and leave the premises as quickly as possible, every patron at the Eastview Mall reported Thursday that they were quietly dreading whatever has been planned for the empty stage erected near the south entrance of the shopping center. “Oh, Christ, why the hell do they need three microphones?” said shopper Dalia Adams, 38, who nervously added that she had spotted a small child in a sequined top hat lurking near the stage. “I do...

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2016-03-31 20:11:06

Clif Bar Introduces New Savory Clif Loaf  

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2016-03-31 17:27:47

North Carolina Residents Terrified After Hearing State Passed New Law  

RALEIGH, NCâ€"Saying they didn’t even want to think about what the legislation might possibly authorize or prohibit, North Carolina residents expressed feelings of deep-seated terror Thursday after hearing their state had passed a new law. “Oh God, this can’t be good,” said Raleigh resident Jennifer Mathis, echoing the sentiment of overwhelming dismay felt by citizens across the state upon learning their legislature had passed a bill and their governor had subsequ...

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2016-03-31 14:44:49

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On  

BOSTONâ€"Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on. “Over our five years of observations, we consistently found that test subjects exhibited low self-esteem, despair, and lost interest in normal activities after being dunked on with a devastating monster jam,” said head researcher R...

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2016-03-31 12:30:51

Fracking Causing Earthquakes Across U.S.  

A new U.S. Geological Survey report condemns the oil industry for fracking practices that vastly increase the frequency of earthquakes in states that usually have none, including Oklahoma, Kansas, Texas, and Colorado. What do you think?

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2016-03-31 03:41:20

Posture Could Dictate Success In Online Dating  

New research in online dating has found that profile pictures in which someone is physically extended, with outstretched limbs and an elongated torso, convey a confidence and dominance that nearly double one’s chances of success. What do you think?

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2016-03-31 02:46:34

World Wildlife Fund Publishes Photo Of What Species Last Seen In 1987 Might Have Evolved To Look Like  

WASHINGTONâ€"Hoping the release of the updated image might generate a lead on the whereabouts of the missing animal, officials from the World Wildlife Fund published a photo Wednesday depicting what the dusky seaside sparrowâ€"last seen on June 17, 1987â€"may have evolved to look like. “If anyone has encountered a non-migratory songbird that matches the one shown in this picture, please contact our organization immediately,” said WWF spokesperson Shannon Hockesley at ...

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2016-03-30 21:25:04

Report: Most Effective Marketing Technique Still Giving Out Little Versions Of Product  

CAMBRIDGE, MAâ€"Calling it far and away the best initiative businesses can undertake to boost sales and brand awareness, a report released this week by Harvard Business School has found the most effective marketing technique remains handing out little versions of products. “Based on our research, there is simply no better way to attract and retain customers than giving away a product that is exactly like the one you’re trying to sell, only littler,” said lead researcher ...

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2016-03-30 12:56:02

Mom Thinks You’d Enjoy Restaurant She Can’t Remember Name Of Right Now  

ST. LOUISâ€"Noting that both she and your father thought everything about the place was just right up your alley, your mother confirmed Wednesday that she believes you’d really enjoy a new restaurant in town whose name she can’t quite remember at the moment. “I can’t for the life of me think of what it’s called, but I’m telling you, you’d love it,” said your mom, adding that the recently opened establishment, which she reported was done...

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2016-03-30 10:19:19

Secret Service Bans Guns From RNC  

In advance of the Republican National Convention in Cleveland this July, the Secret Service has announced that only law enforcement personnel will be permitted to bring firearms to the event, overriding Ohio’s open carry laws. What do you think?

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2016-03-30 09:21:44

Obama Announces Plan To Store Nation’s Extra Stuff In Large Plastic Crate  

WASHINGTONâ€"Noting that the container would reduce clutter and help keep the country organized, President Obama announced a plan Tuesday to store the nation’s extra stuff in a large plastic crate. “I urge any American citizen who has too many things lying around their home to just give me the possessions they don’t need right now and I’ll keep them in this big plastic crate,” said Obama, calling on all 320 million Americans to send him any unused desk lamp...

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2016-03-30 05:42:25

Teens Arrested For Threatening Trump  

In unrelated incidents, two Georgia teenagers have been arrested in the past week for threatening Donald Trump on social media, behavior categorized as “terroristic threats and acts.” What do you think?

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2016-03-30 03:40:34

How Virtual Reality Will Change Our Lives  

Here are some potential ways that Oculus Rift and other virtual reality technologies will affect our lives.Pornography: New 360-degree pornographic films will allow viewers to pan all around the bed and across the room to where cameramen and boom mic operators are standingEducation: Students will have access to wealth of new interactive visual aids that won’t be updated for the next 50 yearsBusiness: Provides another medium that CEO won’t understand but will demand be wedged into ...

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2016-03-30 01:46:48

Ted Cruz Opens Up To Town Hall Audience About Early Days As Larva Feeding On Porcupine Carcass  

MILWAUKEEâ€"Attempting to connect with voters in the run-up to Wisconsin’s crucial state primary next week, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz reportedly opened up to a town hall crowd Tuesday about his early days as a larva feeding on a rotting porcupine carcass. “Those days spent regurgitating my own bile in order to soften up the animal’s decomposing flesh taught me a lot about life and really shaped who I am today,” said a wistful Cruz, adding that he ...

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2016-03-29 13:31:45

Tribeca Pulls Anti-Vaccine Film  

One day after defending the screening of Andrew Wakefield’s controversial anti-vaccination film Vaxxed by saying it would promote conversation, Tribeca Film Festival cofounder Robert De Niro has announced that the film was being pulled from the festival. What do you think?

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2016-03-29 11:53:55

Alaska Volcano Erupts  

Alaska’s Pavlof volcano has erupted for the 40th time in recorded history, spewing ash 20,000 feet in the air, though its location is so remote that the eruption did little to damage any surrounding communities. What do you think?

what do you think?

2016-03-29 11:53:07

How Political Polling Works  

The Onion provides a step-by-step guide to the U.S. political polling process. Step 1: Researchers begin by dialing every possible U.S. phone number combination, starting with (111) 111-1111Step 2: Dinner interruptedStep 3: Pollster asks to speak with the member of the household who best represents the nation as a wholeStep 4: Respondent selects poll difficulty level of “easy,” “medium,” or “hard”Step 5: Thousands of poll respondents hearing candidatesâ€...

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2016-03-29 09:42:38

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 29, 2016  

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2016-03-29 07:38:40

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