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Texts From Last Night

Texts From Last Night: Remember that text you shouldn't have sent last night? We do.



(937): and eventually we just all...  

(937): and eventually we just all took our pants off.

what do you think?

2019-09-20 13:59:08



(760): Dude what happened last...  

(760): Dude what happened last night? (732): I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.

what do you think?

2019-09-20 12:30:57



(12): So she was amazing,...  

(12): So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.

what do you think?

2019-09-20 10:58:34



(214): I've decided it's...  

(214): I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!".

what do you think?

2019-09-20 10:22:36



(240): I mean she's doing calculus...  

(240): I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.

what do you think?

2019-09-20 07:37:35



(518): He was literally screaming...  

(518): He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.

what do you think?

2019-09-20 05:33:38



(519): all i remember is walking...  

(519): all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays.

what do you think?

2019-09-20 04:20:57



(709): I may have passed out and...  

(709): I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.

what do you think?

2019-09-20 01:32:28



(904): My boss walked into my...  

(904): My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what's up.

what do you think?

2019-09-19 11:04:47



(715): Whose the chick running for...  

(715): Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That's who I m voting for.

what do you think?

2019-09-19 10:27:56



(201): I love millennial parents....  

(201): I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones.

what do you think?

2019-09-19 09:19:35



(317): If he knew how badly I want...  

(317): If he knew how badly I want to blow him he'd stop talking about his wife.

what do you think?

2019-09-19 07:22:14



(306): Idk, I know when I drink...  

(306): Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl.

what do you think?

2019-09-19 05:05:16



(314): Guess how much it costs to...  

(314): Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?

what do you think?

2019-09-19 02:39:01



(513): We left an ass print on the...  

(513): We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don't think anyone caught on.

what do you think?

2019-09-19 02:28:01



(816): I guarantee you he will...  

(816): I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on.

what do you think?

2019-09-19 01:34:43



(303): I either have a problem or...  

(303): I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.

what do you think?

2019-09-17 11:30:07



(262): so this hot guy who looks...  

(262): so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.

what do you think?

2019-09-17 10:35:38



(310): I just saw a guy faceplant...  

(310): I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing (914): Only at UConn...

what do you think?

2019-09-17 08:18:44



(484): whole 5th of capt = waking...  

(484): whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say.

what do you think?

2019-09-17 06:15:58



(513): She told me I'm a...  

(513): She told me I'm a "stunt cock." I'm okay with that.

what do you think?

2019-09-17 05:02:11



(815): Guy just rode past on a...  

(815): Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life.

what do you think?

2019-09-17 02:38:50



(518): Andddddd I'm...  

(518): Andddddd I'm drunk (240): Andddddd it's Tuesday (518): That's your opinion.

what do you think?

2019-09-17 02:24:33



(908): so you might not believe...  

(908): so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.

what do you think?

2019-09-17 01:47:52



(843): So I was having a really...  

(843): So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.

what do you think?

2019-09-16 09:22:53



(781): Ps can u get with my...  

(781): Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....

what do you think?

2019-09-16 08:37:18



(315): He was about to go in...and...  

(315): He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!

what do you think?

2019-09-16 05:51:17



(714): I've never sung with balls...  

(714): I've never sung with balls in my mouth.

what do you think?

2019-09-16 05:36:58



(252): True college students do...  

(252): True college students do jello shots in the library.

what do you think?

2019-09-16 03:40:50



(919): I'm hearing voices and...  

(919): I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.

what do you think?

2019-09-16 03:19:04



(609): Actually I really wish that...  

(609): Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.

what do you think?

2019-09-16 02:32:27



(281): I fucked a 6 foot tall guy...  

(281): I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.

what do you think?

2019-09-16 01:22:38



(561): Woke up at 5am in an...  

(561): Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.

what do you think?

2019-09-15 13:49:16



(262): Right after i got done...  

(262): Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!".

what do you think?

2019-09-15 12:37:26



(516): Totes just ripped ass and...  

(516): Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet.

what do you think?

2019-09-15 11:01:37



(631): i really didnt think i was...  

(631): i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise.

what do you think?

2019-09-15 10:31:21



(907): Between falling off a shelf...  

(907): Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.

what do you think?

2019-09-15 05:25:25



(702): there is another microwave...  

(702): there is another microwave in the elevator.

what do you think?

2019-09-15 05:25:01



(207): Gameplan: If the cops show...  

(207): Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!

what do you think?

2019-09-15 04:12:04



(337): My nipples are raw,...  

(337): My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!

what do you think?

2019-09-15 01:30:17



(870): This is the most...  

(870): This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.

what do you think?

2019-09-14 13:37:10



(917): she prefaced telling me she...  

(917): she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem".

what do you think?

2019-09-14 11:22:25



(602): I got confused. The music...  

(602): I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.

what do you think?

2019-09-14 10:25:51



(720): I was in line at Panera...  

(720): I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.

what do you think?

2019-09-14 09:19:37



(830): So, I'm roughly 90% sure...  

(830): So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now.

what do you think?

2019-09-14 04:42:46



(541): Being high is definitely...  

(541): Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.

what do you think?

2019-09-14 04:20:51



(772): I dont think the chain...  

(772): I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.

what do you think?

2019-09-14 03:03:41



(813): I can't believe you're...  

(813): I can't believe you're letting her use the Mercedes (321): It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It's a good thing we weren't having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex.

what do you think?

2019-09-14 01:27:14



(802): How was I supposed to know...  

(802): How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him.

what do you think?

2019-09-13 13:46:03



(978): I talked to his mom for a...  

(978): I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression.

what do you think?

2019-09-13 12:22:09



(419): This town reeks of teen...  

(419): This town reeks of teen pregnancy.

what do you think?

2019-09-13 12:22:07



(512): Do you know who these girls...  

(512): Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.

what do you think?

2019-09-13 09:40:27



(856): Guess who won a basket of...  

(856): Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...

what do you think?

2019-09-13 06:51:58



(813): IDK if she's gay or...  

(813): IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.

what do you think?

2019-09-13 04:37:09



(910): You know its awkward when...  

(910): You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm.

what do you think?

2019-09-13 04:07:39



(954): Im getting out of handcuffs...  

(954): Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call.

what do you think?

2019-09-13 03:52:42



(916): He was actually surprised...  

(916): He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.

what do you think?

2019-09-12 13:52:33



(727): Protip if he licks the back...  

(727): Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.

what do you think?

2019-09-12 13:33:55



(315): Waking up naked and...  

(315): Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.

what do you think?

2019-09-12 11:37:43



(949): You spilled your drink, and...  

(949): You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.

what do you think?

2019-09-12 10:38:53



(310): Any chance he has an open...  

(310): Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn't be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I'm too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large.

what do you think?

2019-09-12 10:34:44



(916): I am way to hungover for it...  

(916): I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.

what do you think?

2019-09-12 07:58:20



(609): My theory is if i keep...  

(609): My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.

what do you think?

2019-09-12 05:46:20



(774): Give me the sexing that I...  

(774): Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's.

what do you think?

2019-09-12 03:41:46



(402): so i went to the bathroom...  

(402): so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery.

what do you think?

2019-09-10 13:49:18



(315): Even after hearing me fuck...  

(315): Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.

what do you think?

2019-09-10 10:51:08



(412): i am risking my non lesbian...  

(412): i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had.

what do you think?

2019-09-10 10:44:35



(703): Jack and I got in a huge...  

(703): Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me.

what do you think?

2019-09-10 07:24:30



(513): I wish he'd realize all I...  

(513): I wish he'd realize all I want is dick. He's my boytoy. He's a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house.

what do you think?

2019-09-10 04:58:58



(317): You're a genius! I just...  

(317): You're a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting.

what do you think?

2019-09-10 03:47:19



(810): Hey. Did I get punched in...  

(810): Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night? (810): Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.

what do you think?

2019-09-10 03:12:15



(813): Decided to stay sober a...  

(813): Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.

what do you think?

2019-09-10 01:58:41



(708): Yep. Just fucked a 34 year...  

(708): Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.

what do you think?

2019-09-09 12:03:38



(828): So i've noticed that...  

(828): So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.

what do you think?

2019-09-09 04:35:12



(703): He gave his liver a pep...  

(703): He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started.

what do you think?

2019-09-09 03:31:56



(401): before i went to bed i...  

(401): before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'.

what do you think?

2019-09-09 03:23:22



(412): I had a date last night....  

(412): I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.

what do you think?

2019-09-09 02:55:12



(424): I literally ended up in...  

(424): I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed.

what do you think?

2019-09-09 01:51:05



(786): I just remembered how you...  

(786): I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.

what do you think?

2019-09-09 01:25:42



(912): Hey, sorry I choked you...  

(912): Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.

what do you think?

2019-09-09 01:16:12



(440): Last night I ate a candle...  

(440): Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.

what do you think?

2019-09-08 13:07:43



(330): when ur drunk laser tag is...  

(330): when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.

what do you think?

2019-09-08 13:04:25



(310): Put viagra in his coffee. ...  

(310): Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor.

what do you think?

2019-09-08 12:20:52



(636): How did the test come...  

(636): How did the test come back? (314): I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control.

what do you think?

2019-09-08 09:38:08



(720): Well, if you do die,...  

(720): Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.

what do you think?

2019-09-08 06:35:32



(253): Remember those neighbors I...  

(253): Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.

what do you think?

2019-09-08 06:30:14



(858): My head is bruised from...  

(858): My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.

what do you think?

2019-09-08 04:18:34



(770): You asked him if he would...  

(770): You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.

what do you think?

2019-09-08 03:27:34



(717): I woke up using a beer can...  

(717): I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?

what do you think?

2019-09-07 13:28:22



(269): why the hell are you crying...  

(269): why the hell are you crying over taco bell?

what do you think?

2019-09-07 13:13:16



(405): We'll handle his penis...  

(405): We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.

what do you think?

2019-09-07 12:27:28



(573): I found my parents stash of...  

(573): I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER.

what do you think?

2019-09-07 09:32:42



(604): What's a really polite...  

(604): What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?".

what do you think?

2019-09-07 09:13:08



(307): I'm on a walk of shame...  

(307): I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.

what do you think?

2019-09-07 07:55:10



(405): I feel like he doesn't...  

(405): I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible. (1-405): Maybe we should bring mom next time.

what do you think?

2019-09-07 06:11:29



(732): my mom tells me this...  

(732): my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me.

what do you think?

2019-09-07 01:40:20



(946): There's a guy in a...  

(946): There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him.

what do you think?

2019-09-06 13:50:21



(267): His dog hid my thong. Let...  

(267): His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There's a church congregation that knows all my business.

what do you think?

2019-09-06 13:12:02



(712): If I don't get alcohol...  

(712): If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.

what do you think?

2019-09-06 09:56:52



(617): I just woke up, dressed as...  

(617): I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.

what do you think?

2019-09-06 08:45:02






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