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Texts From Last Night

Texts From Last Night: Remember that text you shouldn't have sent last night? We do.



(404): So someone just asked us...  

(404): So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?

what do you think?

2019-03-21 12:15:30



(765): Happiness is laying in bed,...  

(765): Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.

what do you think?

2019-03-21 11:25:41



(508): I mean, it's good for a...  

(508): I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina (620): Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks.

what do you think?

2019-03-21 05:58:45



(804): My law teacher drew an...  

(804): My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.

what do you think?

2019-03-21 05:40:17



(678): My last Google search was...  

(678): My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.

what do you think?

2019-03-19 13:16:27



(646): "I mean like shit...  

(646): "I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything.

what do you think?

2019-03-19 13:04:22



(716): I woke up with an eye patch...  

(716): I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.

what do you think?

2019-03-19 12:39:35



(702): This woman at the blackjack...  

(702): This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.

what do you think?

2019-03-19 12:16:43



(834): Bold words for someone NOT...  

(834): Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle.

what do you think?

2019-03-19 11:44:23



(562): Remember when I was real...  

(562): Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.

what do you think?

2019-03-19 10:25:57



(647): From now on he's gonna...  

(647): From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!

what do you think?

2019-03-19 09:09:45



(928): The career specialist read...  

(928): The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.

what do you think?

2019-03-19 08:57:10



(774): Come over here. Bongs and...  

(774): Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land.

what do you think?

2019-03-19 08:04:37



(281): gave up morals for lent, so...  

(281): gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.

what do you think?

2019-03-19 07:41:55



(610): Rule number 1 of dorm...  

(610): Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.

what do you think?

2019-03-19 07:07:03



(848): Whoever was the...  

(848): Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.

what do you think?

2019-03-19 05:24:01



(575): wait you like me?? for my...  

(575): wait you like me?? for my personality?? (1-575): I know I was surprised too.

what do you think?

2019-03-18 12:23:21



(603): I like how I can go from...  

(603): I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.

what do you think?

2019-03-18 09:27:19



(208): I woke up an hour ago with...  

(208): I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?

what do you think?

2019-03-18 08:01:14



(952): This girls ass literally...  

(952): This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.

what do you think?

2019-03-18 04:14:24



(516): I can't really text bc...  

(516): I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.

what do you think?

2019-03-18 02:46:35



(310): I'm not gonna lie. I...  

(310): I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.

what do you think?

2019-03-17 08:48:18



(940): i just remembered i drunk...  

(940): i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night.

what do you think?

2019-03-17 08:02:26



(619): He sent me a pic of his...  

(619): He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too." \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.

what do you think?

2019-03-17 06:30:10



(585): Other than the whole stab...  

(585): Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.

what do you think?

2019-03-17 04:30:37



(727): This is getting exciting. I...  

(727): This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not (727): And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now.

what do you think?

2019-03-17 04:04:21



(615): I just gave a fucking...  

(615): I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.

what do you think?

2019-03-17 02:40:59



(904): It's been THREE DAYS....  

(904): It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!

what do you think?

2019-03-17 02:08:20



(226): Last time I had a one night...  

(226): Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months. (519): So you're not picking up this weekend? (226): This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.

what do you think?

2019-03-17 01:02:53



(215): you were peeing in her...  

(215): you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3.

what do you think?

2019-03-16 13:16:28



(405): What did you give up for...  

(405): What did you give up for lent? (415): Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...

what do you think?

2019-03-16 13:09:57



(843): Jesus fucking Mary Christ...  

(843): Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten.

what do you think?

2019-03-16 10:19:18



(903): Well, thanks for not...  

(903): Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.

what do you think?

2019-03-16 07:07:03



(612): i came so much i feel like...  

(612): i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter.

what do you think?

2019-03-16 06:19:11



(702): you can't just call...  

(702): you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.

what do you think?

2019-03-16 05:56:35



(312): he said he's going to...  

(312): he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it.

what do you think?

2019-03-16 04:54:27



(256): I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF...  

(256): I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.

what do you think?

2019-03-16 03:58:10



(412): hey, just so we're...  

(412): hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.

what do you think?

2019-03-16 03:14:36



(786): You fell asleep while I was...  

(786): You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick.

what do you think?

2019-03-16 02:46:53



(863): MASS TEXT: Next weekend I...  

(863): MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR

what do you think?

2019-03-16 02:43:20



(512): Where are all your bongs?...  

(512): Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here. (210): Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.

what do you think?

2019-03-14 11:19:15



(703): Can I say it was a great...  

(703): Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth.

what do you think?

2019-03-14 09:37:13



(908): It took me twenty minutes...  

(908): It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence. (1-908): All I said was okay...

what do you think?

2019-03-14 07:59:28



(720): Can I bother you for a...  

(720): Can I bother you for a second. (1-720): You always bother me but go on.

what do you think?

2019-03-14 06:50:49



(713): The night got way more...  

(713): The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.

what do you think?

2019-03-14 05:18:28



(281): Our fake lesbian...  

(281): Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous.

what do you think?

2019-03-14 04:35:07



(913): scotch tastings during the...  

(913): scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat.

what do you think?

2019-03-14 03:31:51



(724): Tequila. The ruiner of all...  

(724): Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.

what do you think?

2019-03-13 13:43:44



(217): I'm licking blood from...  

(217): I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?

what do you think?

2019-03-13 11:35:29



(616): It may be a corded vibrator...  

(616): It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE.

what do you think?

2019-03-13 09:58:50



(216): i'n just gonna forge...  

(216): i'n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.

what do you think?

2019-03-13 09:52:29



(616): Well I just masturbated...  

(616): Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I'm growing up.

what do you think?

2019-03-13 07:40:49



(248): my dad just built a flame...  

(248): my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here.

what do you think?

2019-03-13 03:36:21



(509): The neighbors ahemed the...  

(509): The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!

what do you think?

2019-03-13 02:10:25



(540): I really love you. Like,...  

(540): I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.

what do you think?

2019-03-12 13:29:28



(615): THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647...  

(615): THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression.

what do you think?

2019-03-12 12:57:12



(785): A reminder in my phone just...  

(785): A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.

what do you think?

2019-03-12 12:09:10



(516): He set the tone in the back...  

(516): He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me.

what do you think?

2019-03-12 09:03:16



(713): hey im sorry i made fun of...  

(713): hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY.

what do you think?

2019-03-12 06:35:39



(240): Is there a nice, calm way...  

(240): Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?

what do you think?

2019-03-12 06:21:23



(773): So apparently I'm into...  

(773): So apparently I'm into choking now.

what do you think?

2019-03-12 05:21:36



(918): I sure hope so...I wonder...  

(918): I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.

what do you think?

2019-03-12 04:27:24



(845): I'm pretty sure he...  

(845): I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...

what do you think?

2019-03-12 01:44:32



(804): I love you. (1-804): Bad...  

(804): I love you. (1-804): Bad choice.

what do you think?

2019-03-12 01:12:58



(617): I can still taste your cum...  

(617): I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.

what do you think?

2019-03-11 13:13:14



(248): I puked on someone's...  

(248): I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.

what do you think?

2019-03-11 11:01:33



(310): The gyno waiting room is so...  

(310): The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I'm sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol.

what do you think?

2019-03-11 10:04:05



(425): I'm not dating him for...  

(425): I'm not dating him for his personality. I'm dating him so I can steal his dog.

what do you think?

2019-03-11 07:21:16



(304): After we fucked we sat in...  

(304): After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.

what do you think?

2019-03-11 05:45:50



(978): He goes "what would...  

(978): He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.

what do you think?

2019-03-11 04:10:04



(509): Can I come over? (602):...  

(509): Can I come over? (602): Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho.

what do you think?

2019-03-11 03:37:36



(602): At least he uses his lack...  

(602): At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil.

what do you think?

2019-03-11 02:53:02



(608): Did you apologize to him...  

(608): Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??

what do you think?

2019-03-08 11:54:06



(310): I just punched myself in...  

(310): I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.

what do you think?

2019-03-08 11:17:02



(715): He fucked me harder than...  

(715): He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.

what do you think?

2019-03-08 04:27:19



(516): Should I put the spider I...  

(516): Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?

what do you think?

2019-03-08 04:25:54



(904): All time low: no dry towels...  

(904): All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off.

what do you think?

2019-03-08 04:25:13



(520): You did an excessive amount...  

(520): You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.

what do you think?

2019-03-08 04:23:05



(661): I miss you and I miss your...  

(661): I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.

what do you think?

2019-03-08 04:02:23



(276): Are these your boobs on my...  

(276): Are these your boobs on my camera?

what do you think?

2019-03-08 02:23:41



(919): If I'm not there when...  

(919): If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!

what do you think?

2019-03-07 12:01:30



(309): He's making me do the...  

(309): He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...

what do you think?

2019-03-07 11:18:08



(778): Cmon. I wasn't that...  

(778): Cmon. I wasn't that bad. (1-778): You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits.".

what do you think?

2019-03-07 10:24:44



(870): Coffee and girl scout...  

(870): Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions. (571): Get fucked.

what do you think?

2019-03-07 10:17:13



(404): I smell like a mix of...  

(404): I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM.

what do you think?

2019-03-07 07:10:21



(303): All three of the bartenders...  

(303): All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.

what do you think?

2019-03-07 07:01:30



(904): I put the child locks on...  

(904): I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!".

what do you think?

2019-03-07 05:37:07



(699): I love friends. Friendship...  

(699): I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend.

what do you think?

2019-03-07 04:36:01



(832): I know you won't see...  

(832): I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.

what do you think?

2019-03-07 04:27:20



(310): Hi darlin, what are you...  

(310): Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight? (1-310): .... Things I will not be proud of.

what do you think?

2019-03-07 04:26:20



(218): I am not even ashamed to...  

(218): I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!

what do you think?

2019-03-07 03:24:25



(919): She played the piano. I...  

(919): She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.

what do you think?

2019-03-07 02:13:21



(519): I fought off a bull with my...  

(519): I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I'm more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.

what do you think?

2019-03-06 08:52:36



(503): I got drunk and bought a...  

(503): I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.

what do you think?

2019-03-06 06:18:11



(702): Bro, I live in a constant...  

(702): Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn't faze me that much.

what do you think?

2019-03-06 03:40:52



(217): I kicked down a wall in...  

(217): I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.

what do you think?

2019-03-06 01:39:09



(715): What do you think would be...  

(715): What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?

what do you think?

2019-03-05 13:47:04



(606): If the people you're with...  

(606): If the people you're with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy.

what do you think?

2019-03-05 13:43:39



(618): Like sometimes I'll be...  

(618): Like sometimes I'll be hangry but for dick.

what do you think?

2019-03-05 12:53:50



(267): Can I come kidnap you from...  

(267): Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.

what do you think?

2019-03-05 12:27:39






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