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Texts From Last Night

Texts From Last Night: Remember that text you shouldn't have sent last night? We do.



(587): I Never thought my late 30s...  

(587): I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!

what do you think?

2021-12-09 04:12:02



(267): If I wanna spend the whole...  

(267): If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so.

what do you think?

2021-11-14 07:12:02



(317): This date is awful. He's...  

(317): This date is awful. He's too boring to bang (317): Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?

what do you think?

2021-11-14 06:12:02



(404): We still on for Manwhore...  

(404): We still on for Manwhore Monday?

what do you think?

2021-11-14 05:22:01



(209): Enjoy your early 30's! ...  

(209): Enjoy your early 30's! You're still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms.

what do you think?

2021-11-14 05:12:01



(310): He was married to his...  

(310): He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he's been fantasizing about since last century and he'll be wrapped around your little finger.

what do you think?

2021-11-14 04:22:01



(402): The streets are paved with...  

(402): The streets are paved with hand jobs.

what do you think?

2021-11-14 04:12:02



(845): I should have known it...  

(845): I should have known it wouldn't work. Someone saved in her phone as "Subway Sex" called the week before the wedding.

what do you think?

2021-11-04 08:12:02



(845): I should have known it...  

(845): I should have known it wouldn't work. Someone saved in her phone as "Subway Sex" called the week before the wedding.

what do you think?

2021-11-04 08:12:02



(513): I don't care that he's...  

(513): I don't care that he's a decade younger. He's cute and I need a good penising.

what do you think?

2021-11-04 07:12:01



(513): I don't care that he's...  

(513): I don't care that he's a decade younger. He's cute and I need a good penising.

what do you think?

2021-11-04 07:12:01



(314): Yeah but now he has a wife....  

(314): Yeah but now he has a wife. It's going to be different this year (1-314): So what. We've banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it's a holiday tradition.

what do you think?

2021-11-04 06:32:02



(314): Yeah but now he has a wife....  

(314): Yeah but now he has a wife. It's going to be different this year (1-314): So what. We've banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it's a holiday tradition.

what do you think?

2021-11-04 06:32:02



(707): Last night was a bad idea....  

(707): Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.

what do you think?

2021-11-04 06:22:01



(707): Last night was a bad idea....  

(707): Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.

what do you think?

2021-11-04 06:22:01



(718): Looks like the opera singer...  

(718): Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said "your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.".

what do you think?

2021-11-04 06:12:01



(718): Looks like the opera singer...  

(718): Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said "your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.".

what do you think?

2021-11-04 06:12:01



(212): Hot or not, she's from...  

(212): Hot or not, she's from Boston. It's hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg.

what do you think?

2021-10-27 07:12:01



(212): Hot or not, she's from...  

(212): Hot or not, she's from Boston. It's hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg.

what do you think?

2021-10-27 07:12:01



(901): It was very surreal. They...  

(901): It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.

what do you think?

2021-10-27 06:32:01



(901): It was very surreal. They...  

(901): It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.

what do you think?

2021-10-27 06:32:01



(214): I had a threesome with my...  

(214): I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator (214): and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won't make eye contact.

what do you think?

2021-10-27 06:22:02



(214): I had a threesome with my...  

(214): I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator (214): and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won't make eye contact.

what do you think?

2021-10-27 06:22:02



(403): I teamed up with my vagina....  

(403): I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It's been a very successful and slutty partnership.

what do you think?

2021-10-27 06:12:02



(403): I teamed up with my vagina....  

(403): I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It's been a very successful and slutty partnership.

what do you think?

2021-10-27 06:12:02



(512): Some sorority went “Dick...  

(512): Some sorority went "Dick or Treating" at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled.

what do you think?

2021-10-27 05:32:02



(512): Some sorority went “Dick...  

(512): Some sorority went "Dick or Treating" at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled.

what do you think?

2021-10-27 05:32:02



(217): Having a bangable neighbor...  

(217): Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now.

what do you think?

2021-10-27 05:22:02



(217): Having a bangable neighbor...  

(217): Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now.

what do you think?

2021-10-27 05:22:02



(949): Sorry. I was preoccupied...  

(949): Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises.

what do you think?

2021-10-27 05:12:01



(949): Sorry. I was preoccupied...  

(949): Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises.

what do you think?

2021-10-27 05:12:01



(314): I bet he'd be surprised...  

(314): I bet he'd be surprised by the epic blow job he'd get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood.

what do you think?

2021-10-21 08:12:02



(314): I bet he'd be surprised...  

(314): I bet he'd be surprised by the epic blow job he'd get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood.

what do you think?

2021-10-21 08:12:02



(330): AND ONCE AGAIN THE...  

(330): AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN (1-330): Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???

what do you think?

2021-10-21 07:12:01



(330): AND ONCE AGAIN THE...  

(330): AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN (1-330): Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???

what do you think?

2021-10-21 07:12:01



(765): He expects a blow job at...  

(765): He expects a blow job at the movies but won't pay for popcorn? Does he know it's not 2017 anymore.

what do you think?

2021-10-21 05:12:01



(765): He expects a blow job at...  

(765): He expects a blow job at the movies but won't pay for popcorn? Does he know it's not 2017 anymore.

what do you think?

2021-10-21 05:12:01



(317): According to the office...  

(317): According to the office gossip the new secretary is "a homewrecking whore". Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring? (513): Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?

what do you think?

2021-10-15 07:32:02



(804): I WILL go to space. And if...  

(804): I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It's the Marine Corps way.

what do you think?

2021-10-15 07:22:02



(817): I mean, who hasn't been...  

(817): I mean, who hasn't been fingered in there back of an Uber?

what do you think?

2021-10-15 07:12:01



(870): Shame is for Republicans.  

(870): Shame is for Republicans.

what do you think?

2021-10-15 06:32:02



(407): When the paramedic asked...  

(407): When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.

what do you think?

2021-10-15 06:22:02



(870): God knew I'd have...  

(870): God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.

what do you think?

2021-10-15 06:12:01



(941): Sorry about kicking you...  

(941): Sorry about kicking you last night but you don't mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever.

what do you think?

2021-10-15 04:12:02



(856): "Offered to eat Froot...  

(856): "Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.

what do you think?

2021-10-06 07:42:01



(317): Unless my dick prospects...  

(317): Unless my dick prospects improve this year's Halloween costume will include panties with "DTF" written on them and a push up bra.

what do you think?

2021-10-06 07:32:01



(407): The work outs are working....  

(407): The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was "Tits On A Stick".

what do you think?

2021-10-06 07:22:02



(602): Wait you took his virginity...  

(602): Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it (661): I know! I'm the best!

what do you think?

2021-10-06 07:12:02



(202): Sextember may be over, but...  

(202): Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!

what do you think?

2021-10-06 05:22:01



(727): You remember my neighbor...  

(727): You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.

what do you think?

2021-10-06 05:12:01



(323): she bought my drinks all...  

(323): she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.

what do you think?

2021-09-17 08:17:34



(201): i just realized i have only...  

(201): i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy.

what do you think?

2021-09-17 06:45:28



(202): She was a cheerleader in...  

(202): She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she's a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. "High maintenance hot" doesn't even begin to explain it (202): But dear lord is it worth it.

what do you think?

2021-09-17 06:02:53



(303): Ok, as his sister I...  

(303): Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.

what do you think?

2021-09-17 05:11:47



(916): one of my students asked me...  

(916): one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess.

what do you think?

2021-09-17 01:21:41



(727): So I guess I walked across...  

(727): So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead. (813): You deserve it, you colossal cock block.

what do you think?

2021-09-14 13:50:16



(405): She sent a group text pic...  

(405): She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm. (1-405): I'm down.

what do you think?

2021-09-14 13:18:39



(620): I sent him nudes while he...  

(620): I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.

what do you think?

2021-09-14 11:08:17



(818): we went to the skate park...  

(818): we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am.

what do you think?

2021-09-14 06:01:53



(973): she was all excited about...  

(973): she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited.

what do you think?

2021-09-14 01:14:08



(406): Our conversation went from...  

(406): Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.

what do you think?

2021-09-10 12:35:12



(303): He woke me with blue berry...  

(303): He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.

what do you think?

2021-09-10 05:07:39



(201): that's the second time...  

(201): that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid.

what do you think?

2021-09-10 04:48:09



(513): He's got a big dick and a...  

(513): He's got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun.

what do you think?

2021-09-10 03:56:14



(864): Do you recall asking me to...  

(864): Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?

what do you think?

2021-09-10 03:27:38



(415): She yelled “outlaw...  

(415): She yelled "outlaw country" right before we heard the police siren.

what do you think?

2021-08-31 11:43:11



(253): Are you coming over for...  

(253): Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?

what do you think?

2021-08-31 11:36:37



(306): This is going to be so...  

(306): This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?

what do you think?

2021-08-31 09:53:26



(203): We were playing fuck marry...  

(203): We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him (203): It was like catching dick in a barrel.

what do you think?

2021-08-31 09:22:46



(260): Is there a way to use porn...  

(260): Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?

what do you think?

2021-08-31 07:14:35



(256): Do you think he will let me...  

(256): Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out? (1-256): Please shut the fuck up.

what do you think?

2021-08-31 04:36:08



(304): I'm sorry my lady boner...  

(304): I'm sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!

what do you think?

2021-08-31 04:28:37



(407): Walked off the dance floor...  

(407): Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.

what do you think?

2021-08-28 12:27:42



(617): Get your heels and tits on!...  

(617): Get your heels and tits on! I'm not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service.

what do you think?

2021-08-28 12:03:36



(317): Breakfast sounds amazing...  

(317): Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there's a CVS next to it.

what do you think?

2021-08-28 10:03:07



(702): I woke up while she was...  

(702): I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood.

what do you think?

2021-08-28 06:53:07



(813): Wait, you met him on...  

(813): Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan? (813): Because one of you banged your stalker.

what do you think?

2021-08-28 04:01:09



(303): please don't ironically...  

(303): please don't ironically join a cult.

what do you think?

2021-08-28 03:42:03



(316): I'm looking forward to...  

(316): I'm looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck.

what do you think?

2021-08-24 12:04:41



(813): Grandma had me open the...  

(813): Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.

what do you think?

2021-08-24 06:53:07



(201): i haven't seen you in...  

(201): i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping.

what do you think?

2021-08-24 06:41:07



(310): I've jerked off three...  

(310): I've jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40's is a fucking roller coaster.

what do you think?

2021-08-24 04:17:34



(716): I think my roomie is...  

(716): I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house (215): so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?

what do you think?

2021-08-21 09:57:54



(617): She was blacked out at her...  

(617): She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you.".

what do you think?

2021-08-21 08:21:56



(702): “On a break” is implied...  

(702): "On a break" is implied when it's a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears.

what do you think?

2021-08-19 12:24:17



(705): Two words: nipple clamps  

(705): Two words: nipple clamps.

what do you think?

2021-08-19 09:08:39



(715): Is it too much to ask to...  

(715): Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?

what do you think?

2021-08-19 05:18:21



(973): the person she was...  

(973): the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed.

what do you think?

2021-08-19 04:26:24



(330): i can feel my liver failing...  

(330): i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing.

what do you think?

2021-08-03 13:36:59



(512): There's so many...  

(512): There's so many drinking games in the Olympics. (650): you missed out this chick was licking her paddle.

what do you think?

2021-08-03 05:06:28



(253): Don't get me wrong—I...  

(253): Don't get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me….

what do you think?

2021-08-03 03:57:13



(403): Oh I had the weirdest dream...  

(403): Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person.

what do you think?

2021-08-03 03:25:25



(248): He agreed to matching...  

(248): He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he's not seriously considering marrying.

what do you think?

2021-07-23 13:44:56



(719): If I told the doordash...  

(719): If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?

what do you think?

2021-07-23 10:14:52



(630): We should write a country...  

(630): We should write a country song: "Blacked Out on a Sunday".

what do you think?

2021-07-23 10:01:49



(870): There's a difference...  

(870): There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.

what do you think?

2021-07-23 09:44:38



(253): I just want to get high and...  

(253): I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.

what do you think?

2021-07-23 07:35:30



(480): He sounds like Chris Tucker...  

(480): He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I'm on my period. If that isn't love I don't know what is.

what do you think?

2021-07-23 02:02:50



(941): BRB. These cougars are...  

(941): BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition.

what do you think?

2021-07-12 10:30:25



(727): We somehow ended up in...  

(727): We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.

what do you think?

2021-07-12 08:37:25






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