(330): i can feel my liver failing...  

(330): i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing.

what do you think? 2021-08-03 13:36:59

(512): There's so many...  

(512): There's so many drinking games in the Olympics. (650): you missed out this chick was licking her paddle.

what do you think? 2021-08-03 05:06:28

(253): Don't get me wrong—I...  

(253): Don't get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me….

what do you think? 2021-08-03 03:57:13

(403): Oh I had the weirdest dream...  

(403): Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person.

what do you think? 2021-08-03 03:25:25

(248): He agreed to matching...  

(248): He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he's not seriously considering marrying.

what do you think? 2021-07-23 13:44:56

(719): If I told the doordash...  

(719): If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?

what do you think? 2021-07-23 10:14:52

(630): We should write a country...  

(630): We should write a country song: "Blacked Out on a Sunday".

what do you think? 2021-07-23 10:01:49

(870): There's a difference...  

(870): There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.

what do you think? 2021-07-23 09:44:38

(253): I just want to get high and...  

(253): I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.

what do you think? 2021-07-23 07:35:30

(480): He sounds like Chris Tucker...  

(480): He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I'm on my period. If that isn't love I don't know what is.

what do you think? 2021-07-23 02:02:50

(941): BRB. These cougars are...  

(941): BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition.

what do you think? 2021-07-12 10:30:25

(727): We somehow ended up in...  

(727): We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.

what do you think? 2021-07-12 08:37:25

(843): Pretty sure my aunt hooked...  

(843): Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party.

what do you think? 2021-07-12 03:37:37

(201): she gave me a ride on the...  

(201): she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard (973): omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you.

what do you think? 2021-07-10 13:44:43

(907): Well, we went shopping. He...  

(907): Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is.

what do you think? 2021-07-10 13:32:43

(330): The abomination is in...  

(330): The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes.

what do you think? 2021-07-10 12:56:05

(781): Grandma said I got a good...  

(781): Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.

what do you think? 2021-07-10 11:46:27

(705): I just hit 3 trees and a...  

(705): I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole (705): Put me down for a bogey.

what do you think? 2021-07-10 10:41:17

(201): she's 6'2. you bet...  

(201): she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.

what do you think? 2021-07-10 07:24:24

(404): I do have a moral compass! ...  

(404): I do have a moral compass! I can't help it if it only points at penises.

what do you think? 2021-07-10 06:04:59

(218): You know how fear has a...  

(218): You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.

what do you think? 2021-07-10 02:19:10

(405): She's a Vegas 8, which...  

(405): She's a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27.

what do you think? 2021-06-21 10:15:03

(404): I think I accidentally got...  

(404): I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I'm going to see where this goes.

what do you think? 2021-06-21 09:46:48

(870): Let the record show that I...  

(870): Let the record show that I hate your ass.

what do you think? 2021-06-21 07:16:52

(305): He's exactly what I'm...  

(305): He's exactly what I'm looking for: he's got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!

what do you think? 2021-06-18 06:08:23

(801): Someone should walk up to...  

(801): Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans.".

what do you think? 2021-06-15 07:11:20

(316): Consume your own penis you...  

(316): Consume your own penis you ugly freak.

what do you think? 2021-06-15 05:16:10

(763): Hey long story short...  

(763): Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.

what do you think? 2021-06-15 04:16:28

(843): Do you think Ashley had her...  

(843): Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing.

what do you think? 2021-06-15 02:46:33

(405): Double high-fived his...  

(405): Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.

what do you think? 2021-06-15 02:44:16

(631): Unfortunately the rum ran...  

(631): Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.

what do you think? 2021-06-08 13:41:32

(709): Her pegging playlist is all...  

(709): Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact.

what do you think? 2021-06-08 08:22:03

(970): I need you to know I'm...  

(970): I need you to know I'm weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now.

what do you think? 2021-06-08 03:37:38

(813): All I heard was "sit...  

(813): All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.

what do you think? 2021-05-28 11:12:37

(813): Mom says you're allowed...  

(813): Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.

what do you think? 2021-05-28 10:14:02

(709): You know it's a good...  

(709): You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread.

what do you think? 2021-05-28 07:48:25

(920): I need advice on ways to...  

(920): I need advice on ways to politely say "fuck you on your way to hell".

what do you think? 2021-05-28 07:02:34

(562): You drank whiskey for 9...  

(562): You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.

what do you think? 2021-05-28 06:08:29

(727): You went on the date? His...  

(727): You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???

what do you think? 2021-05-28 01:34:50

(631): I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU STUCK...  

(631): I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!

what do you think? 2021-05-20 10:40:14

(208): She dropped the call after...  

(208): She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.

what do you think? 2021-05-20 10:09:35

(705): It actually wasn't the...  

(705): It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.

what do you think? 2021-05-20 07:48:30

(317): Let me call you later. ...  

(317): Let me call you later. I'm lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending.

what do you think? 2021-05-20 06:22:41

(815): My dad just invited me to...  

(815): My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).

what do you think? 2021-05-20 03:25:32

(785): She's the kind of asshole...  

(785): She's the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.

what do you think? 2021-05-20 03:12:28

(870): had to remind myself that...  

(870): had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.

what do you think? 2021-05-20 01:52:10

(701): The last time we went to a...  

(701): The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.

what do you think? 2021-05-16 10:03:53

(202): Liz Cheney wasn't exactly...  

(202): Liz Cheney wasn't exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying "YAS QUEEN" for in 2021 but here we are.

what do you think? 2021-05-16 07:21:18

(772): Want to meet at a cool spot...  

(772): Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?

what do you think? 2021-05-16 06:19:15

(316): My boobs are too perky to...  

(316): My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car.

what do you think? 2021-05-16 05:49:09

(305): Are we allowed to ho on the...  

(305): Are we allowed to ho on the roof?

what do you think? 2021-05-16 05:31:34

(817): How's big weiner...  

(817): How's big weiner McGee? (1-214): I'm going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he's fine thank you very much.

what do you think? 2021-05-16 04:57:55

(929): Wakes up in a cold sweat at...  

(929): Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART".

what do you think? 2021-05-16 04:33:02

(360): I think she lost me at...  

(360): I think she lost me at about the point where the words "Ice Cream Enema" were spoken.

what do you think? 2021-05-08 04:30:45

(719): My bald co-worker just...  

(719): My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.

what do you think? 2021-05-08 04:08:46

(910): You know he wants it bad...  

(910): You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.

what do you think? 2021-05-07 05:49:08

(309): If the multiverse is real,...  

(309): If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.

what do you think? 2021-05-05 13:26:11

(312): It's 3 am. Nothing...  

(312): It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.

what do you think? 2021-05-05 09:42:33

(414): What you have to understand...  

(414): What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.

what do you think? 2021-05-05 09:40:19

(847): I'm never getting home or...  

(847): I'm never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml.

what do you think? 2021-05-05 08:47:19

(406): They stopped fighting to...  

(406): They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.

what do you think? 2021-05-05 03:56:10

(507): It was like Strip poker and...  

(507): It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards.

what do you think? 2021-05-05 03:52:33

(207): That's all I need in...  

(207): That's all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies.

what do you think? 2021-05-04 12:19:57

(216): You went after him with a...  

(216): You went after him with a sword while screaming "FAJITAS!". And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason.

what do you think? 2021-05-04 11:22:15

(437): I woke up in a warehouse...  

(437): I woke up in a warehouse with the words "Property of Adam" written on my chest in frosting.

what do you think? 2021-05-04 04:24:12

(236): I just recommended that the...  

(236): I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.

what do you think? 2021-05-04 03:06:59

(239): He sided with his father,...  

(239): He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I'd say that's a fair trade.

what do you think? 2021-05-04 02:04:01

(310): Rich men love me! I remind...  

(310): Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!

what do you think? 2021-05-04 01:58:48

(618): We met behind our asshole...  

(618): We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.

what do you think? 2021-04-30 09:38:17

(423): You left me a note that...  

(423): You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rose." WTF.

what do you think? 2021-04-30 07:47:22

(404): I didn't say it was...  

(404): I didn't say it was classy, I said it was sexy.

what do you think? 2021-04-30 06:04:59

(765): If he didn't pick us up...  

(765): If he didn't pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny's.

what do you think? 2021-04-29 12:49:24

(727): Good morning beautiful!...  

(727): Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?

what do you think? 2021-04-29 10:06:14

(704): I cam home to find him...  

(704): I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.

what do you think? 2021-04-29 09:31:32

(709): Idk I just think that...  

(709): Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign.

what do you think? 2021-04-29 04:21:41

(734): You're better off without...  

(734): You're better off without him. Actually, he's better off without you and that's what really matters.

what do you think? 2021-04-29 02:58:32

(338): She called a 10 year old...  

(338): She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and "what the hell is wrong with you".

what do you think? 2021-04-22 13:18:37

(607): I pointed at him and said...  

(607): I pointed at him and said "there goes mr fuckwad".

what do you think? 2021-04-22 09:37:02

(614): He ate me out for my sailor...  

(614): He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo.

what do you think? 2021-04-22 08:49:29

(636): My house exploded and with...  

(636): My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.

what do you think? 2021-04-22 04:20:56

(310): OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY...  

(310): OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP.

what do you think? 2021-04-22 01:49:30

(201): The smell of pee and...  

(201): The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him.

what do you think? 2021-04-19 08:40:41

(253): That confirms what...  

(253): That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.

what do you think? 2021-04-19 06:10:26

(317): This is the most exciting...  

(317): This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs.

what do you think? 2021-04-19 02:27:33

(651): scale of one to ten how...  

(651): scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles.

what do you think? 2021-04-15 12:52:45

(316): I'm not sure she knows my...  

(316): I'm not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as "the fuck toy".

what do you think? 2021-04-15 11:05:53

(305): Want to go to Victoria's...  

(305): Want to go to Victoria's Secret? His fiancee is out of town and I'm going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex (813): Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!

what do you think? 2021-04-15 05:38:10

(253): It's so white trash that...  

(253): It's so white trash that I almost have to have it.

what do you think? 2021-04-15 03:17:49

(870): Just because I'm...  

(870): Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.

what do you think? 2021-04-15 02:21:23

(870): If work found out I was...  

(870): If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.

what do you think? 2021-04-15 02:12:21

(612): The covid immunization shot...  

(612): The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.

what do you think? 2021-04-03 11:44:08

(256): Never in my life did I...  

(256): Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women.

what do you think? 2021-04-03 08:36:23

(317): Apparently I told the mayor...  

(317): Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife.

what do you think? 2021-04-03 06:49:46

(305): Of course he did! You've...  

(305): Of course he did! You've seen my tits, you know he didn't stand a chance!

what do you think? 2021-04-03 06:26:49

(715): What is the best medium...  

(715): What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?

what do you think? 2021-04-03 03:51:36

(218): Remember the Giant sandworm...  

(218): Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.

what do you think? 2021-04-03 01:12:45

(516): if my 20s were a chapter in...  

(516): if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick".

what do you think? 2021-04-02 12:37:25

(702): I need to get laid. Right...  

(702): I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates (310): That's quite a spread.

what do you think? 2021-04-02 10:08:34

(404): Just got my second...  

(404): Just got my second shot (1-404): Baller. We're going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days.

what do you think? 2021-04-02 06:32:18

(+61): Thank you for stopping me...  

(+61): Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.

what do you think? 2021-04-02 05:20:54