(859): My husband is waiting until...  

(859): My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.

what do you think? 2020-04-03 10:05:04

(310): I've got a closet full of...  

(310): I've got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic.

what do you think? 2020-04-03 06:33:33

(253): Trying to figure out these...  

(253): Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.

what do you think? 2020-04-03 06:23:35

(660): I got the shit slapped...  

(660): I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn't even compare to the hangover I have.

what do you think? 2020-04-03 04:45:56

(302): Do you ever just want to be...  

(302): Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?

what do you think? 2020-04-03 01:13:48

(813): Third time this week...  

(813): Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.

what do you think? 2020-04-02 11:33:26

(917): It goes to show, Sane...  

(917): It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth.

what do you think? 2020-04-02 09:30:28

(317): My Hitachi broke 1 day into...  

(317): My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.

what do you think? 2020-04-02 09:24:58

(719): If I'm getting through...  

(719): If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.

what do you think? 2020-04-02 06:58:31

(713): Nothing wrong with a little...  

(713): Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys? (832): A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.

what do you think? 2020-04-02 03:41:43

(940): tell me about the fingering  

(940): tell me about the fingering.

what do you think? 2020-03-31 08:39:38

(513): This sucks! All of the...  

(513): This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed.

what do you think? 2020-03-31 07:34:26

(310): At least I'm an...  

(310): At least I'm an "essential employee" and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn't ask why I'm essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic.

what do you think? 2020-03-31 06:51:02

(870): I collect Covid conspiracy...  

(870): I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.

what do you think? 2020-03-31 06:17:16

(803): He gave me an ambien and I...  

(803): He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt.

what do you think? 2020-03-31 06:01:53

(253): Accidentally mixed my gin...  

(253): Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It's bad. But I'll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.

what do you think? 2020-03-31 02:45:34

(917): Everything is scary i hate...  

(917): Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke.

what do you think? 2020-03-27 08:19:58

(770): I'm going to lick a...  

(770): I'm going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over (770): Probably Waffle House.

what do you think? 2020-03-27 05:55:28

(317): His dick is social distance...  

(317): His dick is social distance approved (1-317): Social distance approved? (317): big enough for me to fuck from six feet away.

what do you think? 2020-03-27 05:01:17

(631): I lysoled the...  

(631): I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao.

what do you think? 2020-03-27 02:45:20

(319): But I think I successfully...  

(319): But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias. .

what do you think? 2020-03-27 01:22:39

(303): I think I'm the first...  

(303): I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.

what do you think? 2020-03-26 11:41:55

(260): You know the story of the...  

(260): You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other? (1-260): It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...

what do you think? 2020-03-26 09:56:51

(513): Fucking a younger guy is...  

(513): Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he'll give me.

what do you think? 2020-03-26 09:19:43

(816): This whole thing is fucking...  

(816): This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic.

what do you think? 2020-03-26 08:48:14

(903): What do you mean you...  

(903): What do you mean you haven't had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?

what do you think? 2020-03-26 07:55:05

(508): I got here. Mom yelled...  

(508): I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.

what do you think? 2020-03-26 07:05:48

(980): I have decided that I would...  

(980): I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him? (704): Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died. (980): He absolutely would.

what do you think? 2020-03-26 06:38:53

(+44): when I said eat the rich I...  

(+44): when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick.

what do you think? 2020-03-26 05:24:03

(810): You stocked up? (248): No...  

(810): You stocked up? (248): No actually didn't get a chance. If you wouldn't mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that'd be nice.

what do you think? 2020-03-24 13:22:59

(+54): I'll get the most...  

(+54): I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see.

what do you think? 2020-03-24 12:35:18

(215): I love you, but seriously,...  

(215): I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby's curly fry being wrapped around schlong!

what do you think? 2020-03-24 12:26:31

(949): My nipples are YOUNG and...  

(949): My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING.

what do you think? 2020-03-24 05:59:03

(306): Remember how I was...  

(306): Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?

what do you think? 2020-03-24 03:54:55

(203): I never thought I'd be...  

(203): I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.

what do you think? 2020-03-24 03:25:26

(459): I informed him that we had...  

(459): I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip".

what do you think? 2020-03-22 13:12:02

(209): Yeah. Of all the things to...  

(209): Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.

what do you think? 2020-03-22 09:27:20

(206): Note to self: NEVER have...  

(206): Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea. (425): I've never been so happy to be celibate.

what do you think? 2020-03-22 07:30:57

(224): Honestly, this social...  

(224): Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.

what do you think? 2020-03-22 05:43:40

(717): I ate cake in bed. Felt...  

(717): I ate cake in bed. Felt great.

what do you think? 2020-03-22 05:21:05

(515): How much beer/TP for a BJ? ...  

(515): How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.

what do you think? 2020-03-22 04:25:15

(780): Tonight I totally got eaten...  

(780): Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap.

what do you think? 2020-03-22 02:45:20

(516): St. Patty's shenanigans...  

(516): St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?

what do you think? 2020-03-17 08:42:46

(949): Must lick fork, like...  

(949): Must lick fork, like it's a DICK.

what do you think? 2020-03-17 05:30:25

(614): Sorry I fucked your cousin....  

(614): Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.

what do you think? 2020-03-15 06:39:52

(423): I came home and drank a...  

(423): I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!

what do you think? 2020-03-15 04:26:16

(612): Chaz got drunk and passed...  

(612): Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.

what do you think? 2020-03-14 10:48:54

(867): Hey! Its not the first time...  

(867): Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!

what do you think? 2020-03-14 08:51:37

(812): I just learned that I could...  

(812): I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend.

what do you think? 2020-03-14 07:43:03

(870): Saw a sign that said the...  

(870): Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.

what do you think? 2020-03-14 06:36:49

(618): We were talking about kinky...  

(618): We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church. (606): How'd that go over? (618): Praise the lord and pass the lotion.

what do you think? 2020-03-14 04:57:54

(306): It's a draw. You need...  

(306): It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.

what do you think? 2020-03-14 02:53:07

(+44): He's a wizard, there is...  

(+44): He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.

what do you think? 2020-03-14 01:30:26

(812): Spotify says I'm in the...  

(812): Spotify says I'm in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn't know I would peak this early. (1-812): Aren't you trying to seem...less lesbian?

what do you think? 2020-03-14 01:12:48

(951): fucked one of the teachers,...  

(951): fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great.

what do you think? 2020-03-06 06:43:16

(319): She put her coat on went to...  

(319): She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.

what do you think? 2020-03-06 02:57:20

(218): I woke up in a bathtub full...  

(218): I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!

what do you think? 2020-03-06 02:44:28

(218): I just bought two 8 Balls...  

(218): I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.

what do you think? 2020-03-06 02:38:27

(709): We hotboxed his bathroom....  

(709): We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night (709): Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming.

what do you think? 2020-03-06 01:57:35

(972): Like at first he was barely...  

(972): Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL.

what do you think? 2020-03-06 01:27:10

(843): We've been together for...  

(843): We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.

what do you think? 2020-03-05 11:08:18

(919): Nothing kills the mood like...  

(919): Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy's dick pic in bed.

what do you think? 2020-03-05 10:37:55

(714): Yes, the maid of honor did...  

(714): Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?

what do you think? 2020-03-05 09:43:32

(727): My cat is sitting in the...  

(727): My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.

what do you think? 2020-03-05 07:58:20

(416): In the words of Disney's...  

(416): In the words of Disney's Jafar, "desperate times call for desperate measures.".

what do you think? 2020-03-05 05:23:59

(231): I want to ride that like...  

(231): I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.

what do you think? 2020-03-05 05:04:50

(316): We are so disgustingly...  

(316): We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way.

what do you think? 2020-03-05 04:49:14

(907): It probably doesn't...  

(907): It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.

what do you think? 2020-03-05 02:35:38

(949): I need some buff guys to...  

(949): I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious.

what do you think? 2020-03-02 11:54:06

(480): Apparently my hair turned...  

(480): Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night.

what do you think? 2020-03-02 10:31:18

(772): I went with vodka instead...  

(772): I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.

what do you think? 2020-03-02 05:52:35

(503): My sister gave me satin...  

(503): My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.

what do you think? 2020-03-02 02:52:25

(717): Omg, new summer goal: sex...  

(717): Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.

what do you think? 2020-02-26 12:52:45

(678): I'm at the fucking ritz...  

(678): I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me? (404): I think it's called love, bro.

what do you think? 2020-02-26 05:01:17

(870): Planning a vacation around...  

(870): Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.

what do you think? 2020-02-26 04:03:13

(218): You ever stub your boner?...  

(218): You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.

what do you think? 2020-02-26 02:32:44

(914): There is a baby in my...  

(914): There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?

what do you think? 2020-02-26 02:20:17

(715): Stand and applaud for me. I...  

(715): Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.

what do you think? 2020-02-26 01:46:50

(870): I'm reading fall out...  

(870): I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.

what do you think? 2020-02-26 01:17:07

(202): I just bartered a blowjob...  

(202): I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancee's engagement ring. FTW!

what do you think? 2020-02-18 12:40:43

(513): My Mini-Van Handjob...  

(513): My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can't handle this place without those handjobs.

what do you think? 2020-02-18 11:08:15

(734): He just fucked me into...  

(734): He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.

what do you think? 2020-02-18 08:44:55

(817): Drunk man just fell out of...  

(817): Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair.

what do you think? 2020-02-18 07:58:23

(501): Just woke up beside some...  

(501): Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going.

what do you think? 2020-02-18 05:11:58

(+49): Somehow my life has turned...  

(+49): Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.

what do you think? 2020-02-18 01:51:17

(254): I'll text you tomorrow...  

(254): I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.

what do you think? 2020-02-18 01:28:11

(949): He's the first...  

(949): He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me.

what do you think? 2020-02-14 13:47:03

(843): What part of “the...  

(843): What part of "the stripper has a gun, we need to leave" is confusing you? She's drunk, she's fucking crazy and NOW SHE'S PACKING HEAT!

what do you think? 2020-02-14 12:58:14

(919): I'm cuddly bitch. Deal...  

(919): I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.

what do you think? 2020-02-14 11:48:43

(843): because nothing says...  

(843): because nothing says "let's fucking rage" like getting a compensation letter and some company stock.

what do you think? 2020-02-14 05:40:22

(484): I remember is someone...  

(484): I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.

what do you think? 2020-02-14 03:48:28

(903): I once went to target high...  

(903): I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.

what do you think? 2020-02-14 03:28:40

(813): He is farting the alphabet...  

(813): He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.

what do you think? 2020-02-14 03:10:27

(660): He fucked me while I was...  

(660): He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it's been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.

what do you think? 2020-02-14 01:59:40

(+44): Christ, I'm so hungover...  

(+44): Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.

what do you think? 2020-02-11 06:11:34

(206): we have beer and we're...  

(206): we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.

what do you think? 2020-02-11 05:25:04

(305): Jesus better clutch that...  

(305): Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then. (321): I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!

what do you think? 2020-02-11 04:47:04

(817): I just shaved my legs via...  

(817): I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.

what do you think? 2020-02-11 03:55:59

(937): We got stoned and watched...  

(937): We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.

what do you think? 2020-02-11 03:49:36

(208): Haha word. Sure I can do...  

(208): Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week.

what do you think? 2020-02-11 03:43:06